2009 All Star Meh

Yesterday kind of burned me out when it comes to live blogging a sports event. Post any insightful or humorous comments you may have in the comments. You can also make a pick for the MVP of tonight's game. Each player can only be chosen once. The winner will get something. How's that?
(Preface your comment with "MVP" so I know for sure that's who you're voting for.)

I'll keep the voting open through the fourth inning.

1. How 'bout that -- Barack Obama talks better baseball that Tim McCarver.

Home Run Derby Contest Winner

Caught up in the fervor of local man Prince Fielder winning last night's Home Run Derby, I forgot to close out the contest I had in conjunction with the event. With a guess of 28 homers for Prince, the winner was dkwilson. Congratulations! I now need dkwilson to contact me so they can claim their prize.

2009 Home Run Derby Open Forum

I've opened up the forum, which I'll be updating throughout the contest. I promise to speak the truth. The first truth to tell is that David Cook officially sucks balls.

2. Wow, that "Call Your Shot" contestant has some white legs.

3. Ozzie Smith is officially awesome.

4. Erin Andrews' chin looks like it's healed nicely.

5. Nelson Cruz to the field: "Game on."

6. So I take it that when Albert Pujols is up to bat, Prince Fielder will do some nonstop talking?

7. That Mohawk kid in the outfield is the first to every ball.

8. Prince Fielder politely requests that his 497-foot home run be left embedded in the concrete where it landed.

9. Tough luck, Inge. I highly doubt his shit is usually that weak. Better luck next time.

10. Josh Hamilton just shared Jesus Christ with me.

11. The yellow/green colored ball tracker needs to go. Puck Track, anyone?

12. Joe Mauer must have hit that last one through a rift in the space/time continuum.

13. Three-man bat-off.

14. I love how after Pena finished, Joe Morgan finally realized that it was five swings, not five outs.

15. Round 2: Cruz, Prince, Howard, Pujols.

16. Where can I get a Spink jersey?

17. Finals: Fielder v. Cruz. This is going to be fun.

18. I want to grow plants in Maui as a volunteer with Curtis Granderson.

19. 2009 Home Run Derby Champion: Prince Fielder of the Milwaukee Brewers!

Nelson Cruz
Round 1: 11
Round 2: 5
Final: 5

Prince Fielder
Round 1: 11
Round 2: 6
Final: 6

Brandon Inge
Round 1: 0

Adrian Gonzalez
Round 1: 2

Carlos Pena
Round 1: 5 (1 in bat-off)

Ryan Howard
Round 1: 7
Round 2: 8

Joe Mauer
Round 1: 5 (0 in bat-off)

Albert Pujols
Round 1: 5 (2 in bat-off)
Round 2: 6

2009 Home Run Derby Contest

Tonight Thorzul Will Rule becomes your official home of the All-Star Break as the festivities get kicked off with the Home Run Derby. I'll be opening up the blog to a real-time open forum where all card lovers can feel free to discuss the evening's exhibition, root for their favorite player, and maybe even talk a little trash. To make things more interesting, I'm announcing a contest that anyone out there can take part in, with a nice prize for the winner. All you have to do is leave a guess in the comments section of this post about who will win tonight's Home Run Derby. Guess the player's name and how many total home runs you predict they will hit tonight. You can guess any player whether he has been picked already or not, but you must make a numerical guess that no one has made yet for that player. Whoever is closest to the actual total will win a nice prize package related to the Brewers' all-time leader in home runs.

Tonight's scheduled participants:
AL
Nelson Cruz
Carlos Pena
Joe Mauer
Brandon Inge
NL
Prince Fielder
Adrian Gonzalez
Ryan Howard
Albert Pujols

Happy guessing, good luck, and I'll see you tonight!

The All-Cursing, All Dancing Crap of the World

I've gone from gung-ho to hesitant to downright disinclined about doing the topic I originally had in mind tonight, which was going to be a diatribe about everything that's wrong about baseball today and the personification of this phenomenon housed within a jersey that is the difference between 100 and 1. Therefore, anything I add to this pre-empted harangue would be self-destructive in nature, so I'm not going to do it. That being said: My team does not cheat.

Instead, I'll get all of my complaining out through the conduit of base-ball men pic-tured on card-board. For all of the overproduction of the 1980s and early 1990s, and the Reynolds Wrappification foil overdose of the latter half of the 1990s, at least you could hold the fucking card in your hands. Say what you will about all of the crazy Fleer inserts circa 1995-2000, at least they were fucking art. Fucking art! At least you could touch the fucking thing, get your fucking non-fertility hormone-tainted fingerprints on the damn thing. At least the fucking card companies were fucking trying. Shove aside your preconceived notions about sticker autos, manu-patches, air guitarists, tire treaders, dugouted dead guys aside 43rd presidents, Thoms, Mettage cappage, and amarillo amores rodentia... at least there's a top loader that you can slap your card into and ruin it. What is this insane rambling arriving at? Why, it's the worst idea any baseball card company ever came up with, eTopps. How far do you have to stray from the original intent of baseball cards, the notion that owning a card is like owning a piece of the team you follow, like sitting next to one of your heroes on the bench, like sharing a story with them? Why, why would you deviate from that idea of proximity? Why would you treat a card like a common stock certificate?

2008 eTopps #54 (344/499)

What a beautiful card. That's probably the best-looking CC-as-a-Brewer card out there, yet I can't show it off because it's wrapped in more plastic than Laura fucking Palmer. A fish in the percolator indeed.

You know what, Topps? Fuck you. You thought you could take someone's money and then hold onto a card for the next twenty years as it grew more and more worthless? Fuck that. I've got the card I wanted, Topps, and you can't fucking have it back unless you pry it from my cold, dead hands.

Editor's Note: Nothing against the other 29 guys or so not taking hCG. Thorzul cast a couple of votes for Matt Kemp this week, after all. Thorzul would be fucking overjoyed if his team's fucking number eight batter batted at or around .3-fucking-19. Have a nice day.

Stuff For Sale

Got a few items ending tomorrow, perhaps there's something you'd like.

Check it out.

233 Years Out From Under the Thumb of King George

Happy Independence Day from everyone at Thorzul Will Rule! The entire workforce of employees here -- from the unpaid interns to the fact checkers, to the boys in the Dry Humor Division, to the caterers, to the dolly grips, to the fan club members, to the warehouse loaders, to the suits, all the way up to the big man himself -- wishes you and yours a safe and happy 4th.

To commemorate this day, take a gander at the most patriotic Robin Yount card found in the vast Thorzul Will Rule archives. A moment of silence...

2005 Donruss Classics Classic Singles (Game-Worn Blue) #CS-19 (43/50)