Tuesday, December 11, 2018

2018 Card-vent Calendar: December 11

December 11, 2018:
2014 Panini Classics #99 Nap Lajoie

Well, well, well, look what the debutante ball dragged in. That's a right fancy coat you've got there, Napoleon. Right fancy, it is. Do you work children's parties, too, or just those thrown by the American landed gentry?

Editor's Note: We'll take a break from making fun of Mr. Lajoie's outer garment to point out the usefulness of what appear to be a pair of extremely deep pockets.

Top 6 Things Nap's Pockets Could Carry
6. A pint of bourbon.
5. A moderately-powered sidearm with mother of pearl inlays.
4. Emergency "Irish Need Not Apply" Placards (Pack of 6)
3. Rutherford's Obsequiously Strong Cure-All Tincture of Asparagus Root - Putting an End to the Wettest of Coughs and the Driest of Alimentary Conclusions since 1837.
2. Fantastic heretofore unrealized plans for a great water-way linking the great Eastern and Western Oceans via a man-made can-al slicing through the exotic jungles of Meso-America.
1. Deeds to stolen lands.

Monday, December 10, 2018

2018 Card-vent Calendar: December 10

December 10, 2018:
2013 Topps Best of WWE #7 Cody Rhodes

If you ever need a case study of a sure-fire Hall of Famer with an unbeatable pedigree getting shafted due to organizational incompetence and mismanagement, look no further than Cody Rhodes. He's been absolutely killing it since leaving the WWE, his pinnacle achievement being his promotion of All In in Chicago this past summer. The event ended up being the biggest non-WWE or -WCW program in America in 25 years. All this coming after a lame Stardust gimmick which held Rhodes back from achieving true greatness. Will he ever come back? Who knows? At least through cards, we can remember him for what he should have become, not what he never became. There's still time left, though, Vince.

Sunday, December 9, 2018

2018 Card-vent Calendar: December 9

December 9, 2018:
2010 Upper Deck World of Sports #97 Pablo Mastroeni

Things Pablo Mastroeni Is Going to Do After the Game in Which He Is Pictured Playing:
*Buy some more minutes for his phone card, give mom a call
*Check out the tape his roommate lent him of that new South Park show
*Make sure he has the right time 311 concert tickets go on sale tomorrow morning
*Download the trailer to Boogie Nights, go out to dinner, watch it when he comes home if it's finished
*Call his bookie, place a substantial bet on the Indians to win the Series
*Browse the classified ads, see if he can get a good deal on a gently-used Saturn
*Do a HotBot search for "frosted tips"

Sounds like a busy evening. The '90s, man. They were a thing.

2018 Card-vent Calendar: December 8

December 8, 2018:
2000 Pacific #406 Wade Boggs

"Okay, just a couple more, Wade. But this time, how 'bout we have you looking directly into the sun?"

Saturday, December 8, 2018

2018 Card-vent Calendar: December 7

December 7, 2018:
2018 Upper Deck Goodwin Champions When Robots Rule the World #R-1 Working Together

Something about this card fills me with a significant sense of melancholy. This card celebrates the future accomplishment (in 2176) of sentient robots being a part of the human workforce for 50 years. Feelings of loss mixed with a distinctive whiff of desperation dominate my viewing and ownership of this card. Are we really so easily replaceable? Can our human decision-making abilities actually be outpaced by a machine that doesn't need to be compensated for its service? (Not to mention the lack of any need for health insurance, paid maternity/paternity leave, accrued retirement benefits, etc?)

I'm probably worrying too much about this. Robot SM-17 in cubicle 8G probably wastes as much time as Carol in HR. Sure, Triangle Head here looks like he's handling a customer service call, but once the assistant regional comptroller in the background is out of sight, it's back to all Bjork's "All Is Full of Love" video all the time, right hand impreceptibly stroking its illegal aftermarket penile servo on the company dime.

It's a bleak bit of prophecy, sure, but think about the new possibilities for motivational corporate retreats. You've never truly trust fallen if you haven't done it into the arms of an automaton.

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Card-vent Calendar 2018: December 6

December 6, 2018:
1993 Upper Deck #41 Teammates Checklist Joe Carter / Mark McGwire

"Man, get the fuck out my face with that, bitch."

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

2018 Card-vent Calendar: December 5

1977 Topps #255 Garo Yepremian

Today's NFL needs more Cypriot kickers, don't you think? Enjoy.