Monday, December 10, 2007

Card-vent Calendar, Dec. 10

December 10, 2007:
1991 Topps Football #497 Reuben Davis

Lord only knows what I had against this guy to deface his card in such a fashion. Maybe turning 13 transformed me into some sort of rebel with a cause, and poor Reuben Davis bore the brunt of my teen aggression. Let's review the damage.

1. Reuben swallowed a small humanoid, who is currently trying to escape from his chamber of horrors via Reuben's oral cavity. His cries for help go unanswered as he will inevitably slip back into the maw of this great Sarlaac.

2. Reuben's obvious declaration of gastrointestinal discomfort.

3. The foot comes off the accelerator a bit here as Reuben is allowed to upgrade his uniform to include Legion of Doom-esque shoulder spikes. Perhaps such an allowance would have given early-1990s Buccaneer teams a fighting chance.

4. The Pièce de résistance, Davis receives a Black and Decker shot to the occipital lobe...

...with a drill bit long enough to penetrate the frontal lobe, with small amounts of brain material forcibly excavated.

Davis, having actually sustained such an injury, would suffer from lapses in working memory, motor control, and judgment. The occipital lobe damage would have most likely rendered Davis blind. Even were his vision not completely compromised, Reuben would have been unable to distinguish between colors. That would have made telling team jerseys apart. Theoretically, I just effectively ended this man's career.

1 comment:

--David said...

Oh crap! You guys are on a roll with the "retro custom" cards! Hilarious post, and I love the breakdown of your artistic endeavors. Makes me wish I had kept my "modded" cards...