Saturday, December 22, 2007

Card-vent Calendar, Dec. 20

December 20, 2007:
1987 Topps WWF Wrestling #65 Scare Tactics

Today's card is the stuff fourth grade dreams are made of.

Picture this: A blacktop playground, the yellow paint marking the boundaries of a four-square game, and a baseball glove. No ropes, no rules, all action.

For the better part of a month, my friends and I would do battle in the squared circle of our imaginations between 10:00 and 10:15 every day. Tag-team matchups were scheduled for each recess, when we would mimic the spandex-clad heroes brought to us over the airwaves on Sunday mornings and select Saturday nights. Jeremiah A. and I took to the ring as Demolition, possibly the most horrifying tag team of all time. We would square off against the Mega-Powers (Hulk Hogan and Randy "Macho Man" Savage), portrayed by Greg L. and Jay G. On occasion Matt M. would act as manager for one of the teams, running on the outer portion of our "ring", hitting one of the combatants with the ringside bell (actually a baseball glove).

Seeing as we were students at a Catholic school, the practice of "fighting" was frowned upon, and the four of us warriors were given detentions (the first of two I would receive in my life, the other being for playing football too close to the teachers cars in the parking lot).

Let's take a close look at this card. The pants-shitting scariness of the pre-match garb has little to no parallel in the wrestling world. Sure, the Legion of Doom had their shoulder pads outfitted with spikes, and the Undertaker had that whole vacant stare thing, but who would want to find themselves face to face with Ax and Smash looking like they just got done filming an S&M snuff film? Certainly not the Killer Bees! Nor the Rougeaus, nor the Can-Am connection! And forget about Strike Force, the yellow-clad Conquistadors, and even the British Bulldogs! These two would haunt you till you die with a giant, spreading pee stain.

"Bring out the Gimp." "The Gimp's sleepin'." No, the Gimp is most definitely not sleeping, he's got his face painted and he wants to put you in a suplex before he elbow drops you!

Apparently Topps copy writers were not paid by the word. Have you ever seen such large font on the back of any card (not counting the 1990 BO card)? Thank you Captain Ovbious.

Tonight, I dream of Mr. Fuji's magic dust.

"Here comes the Ax,
Here comes the Smash-er
We're Demolition
A walking disaster."

1 comment:

Kevin said...

Oh man, Thorzul, you are my hero for the occasional wrestling content on this blog. I'll trump your recess story though...

In college my friends and I were given a verbal warning by public safety for wrestling in front of the hill dorms. It was a weeknight, but there were no classes the next day due to advising appointments. So we'd gotten loaded on Jim Beam and Coke and watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I'm not sure how that led to us (loudly) practicing wrestling moves on each other, but there you have it. I distinctly remember my friend Chris and I executing a flawless crucifix manuever.

Should I feel shame? Because I don't.