Monday, June 30, 2008

Fargo: Redux

Last night I got back home from my week-long excursion into the farthest reaches of Minnesota. The journey home involved at least twelve stops in various northern locales, and ears became finely attuned to the unique stylings of what is Minnesota speech. Many of the attendees of this large-scale family event were residents of North Dakota. I've never heard the name "Grand Forks" used in context so many times within such a short period of time.

On the trip back, I was able to stop in a Target and pick up a few packs. It's comforting to find that whether it's two miles away from home or 500, they've got pretty much the same stuff. All of these things together got me wondering what it would have been like to be a collector a couple of years ago, before one of my beloved Brewers got amazingly hot and set the league on fire. Because Jerry Lundegaard is one of the greatest fictional characters of all time, I put together a little something that attempts to recreate what it would have been like if I was a Minnesota resident looking for someone to finance the purchase of some speculative cards a couple of years ago. I think it would have gone something like this...


SPRING, 2006

A PLAQUE: WADE GUSTAFSON COLLECTIBLES

INT. WADE'S OFFICE

Wade sits behind his desk filled with '05 Heritage short prints; another man rises as Thorzul
enters.


THORZUL
How ya doin' there, Stan? How
are ya, Wade?

Stan Grossman shakes his hand.

STAN
Good to see ya again, Thorzul. If
these numbers are right, this
looks pretty sweet.

THORZUL
Oh, those numbers are all right,
bleemee. I been down to Huntsville, and this kid's got power to spare, gee whiz.

WADE
This is do-able.

STAN
Congratulations, Thorzul.

THORZUL
Yah, thanks, Stan, it's a pretty -

WADE
What kind of finder's fee were
you looking for?

THORZUL
... Huh?

STAN
The financials are pretty thorough, condition looks great on these, no soft corners or anything...
so the only thing we don't know
is your fee.

THORZUL
... My fee? Wade, what the
heck're you talkin' about?

WADE
Stan and I're okay.

THORZUL
Yah.

WADE
We're good to loan in for the cards.

THORZUL
Yah.

WADE
But we never talked about your
fee for bringin' 'em to us.

THORZUL
No, but, Wade, see, I was
bringin' you this deal for you
to loan me the money for these Ryan Braun
Auto-fractors to put
in. It's my deal here, see?

Wade scowls, looks at Stan.

STAN
Thorzul - we thought you were
bringin' us a highly collectible investment.

THORZUL
Yah, right -

STAN
You're sayin' - what're you
sayin'?

WADE
You're sayin' that we put in
all the money and you collect
when Braun gets the Roookie of the Year Award?

THORZUL
No, no. I - I'd, I'd - pay you
back the principal, and interest
- heck, I'd go - one over prime - I'd even throw in these Bob Hamelin rookies as an act of good faith.

STAN
We're not a bank, Thorzul.

Wade is angry.

WADE
What the heck, Thorzul, if I wanted
washed-up rookies for seven hunnert'n
fifty thousand I'd go to Midwest
Coin and Card. Talk to Bill Diehl. Search through his commons box.

STAN
He's at Norstar Batter's Box.

WADE
He's at -

THORZUL
No, see, I don't need a finder's
fee, I need - finder's fee's, what,
ten percent, heck that's not gonna
do it for me. I need the Brauns.

STAN
Thorzul, we're not just going to
give you seven hundred and fifty
thousand dollars for a slugger that may never pan out.

WADE
What the heck were you thinkin'?
Heck, if I'm only gettin' shoeboxes full of dinged Chuck Knoblauchs, I'd look for complete
security. Heck, 1984 Fleer Update. I don't
see nothin' like that here.

THORZUL
Yah, but I - okay, I would, I'd
guarantee ya your money back.

WADE
I'm not talkin' about your damn
word, Thorzul. Geez, what the
heck're you?... Well, look, I
don't want to cut you out of the
loop, but this here's a good deal.
I assume, if you're not innarested,
you won't mind if we move on it
independently.

2 comments:

Matt P. said...

Jean an' Scottie never have to worry.

Play at the Plate said...

Would it be sacriligeous to admit I've never seen Fargo? I'll put it on the Netflix list asap.