Monday, June 16, 2008


Today was the last day of school. BOOYAKASHA! Actually, the last day was Friday, and today was records day, a period of time set aside for teachers to pack up all of their shit, only to have to unpack it a couple of months later. This inane process played itself out today with some surprising results. For the last few years, I have kept a plastic grocery bag full of commons in my desk. These cards are used as incentive for my students to try their best and exhibit positive behaviors. The marathon cleaning session revealed to me that this particular well has run dry. Below are the only cards that were left in the bag. For some reason (and flying in the face of conventional conceptions regarding inner-city youths), all of the leftover cards were of the NBA variety.
Each of these cards was left behind for a particular reason. If my school were to somehow be buried by massive amounts of ash from a nearby volcano, forgotten about for centuries, and then excavated, the scholars of the time would want to know why this exact collection of cards was left in a desk drawer. On a less geologic time scale, however, I am more interested in why my students failed to claim these cards. I think I have the answers.

Card: 1990 SkyBox #168 Tony Campbell
Why it was left behind by my students: Blowback from the Doug Jones "flaming balls" incident.

Card: 1992 Topps #198 Checklist
Why it was left behind by my students: Illiterate.

Card: 1992 Topps #236 Lloyd Daniels
Why it was left behind by my students: Patrick Ewing Maximum Nostril Circumference exceeded.

Card: 1992 Topps #34 Charles Shackleford
Why it was left behind by my students: Born after the premature death of high-top fades; frightened.

Card: 1992 Topps #134 Jayson Williams
Why it was left behind by my students: Desire not to be manslaughtered by errant shotgun blast.

Card: 1992 Topps #255 James Worthy
Why it was left behind by my students: Stupid; this is a great card.

Card: 1990 SkyBox #59 Steve Alford
Why it was left behind by my students: Aversion to Indiana-style nut-hugger shorts that obviously served as the template for Alford's Dallas Mavericks jersey.

Card: 1991 NBA Hoops #121 Dan Schayes
Why it was left behind by my students: Rampant anti-Semitism.

Card: 1992 NBA Hoops/SkyBox #274 Golden State Warriors
Why it was left behind by my students: Absence of Chris Mullin

This spectacular collection could be yours. Send me your best offer, and you could be the owner of a piece of history.
I've also got some new 2008 Heritage for trade or sale, so check out the trade lists.


googlegrants said...

At first I thought it would have been funnier if you had a "bag of condoms" in your desk, but upon further review, these cards were much funnier. Jayson Williams, James Worthy, and Antisemitism among inner-city elementary school students is always funny.

"Where's Chris Mullin?"

Joe said...

For whatever it's worth, James Worthy on that card looks like a guy who would be terrible. Granted, I, and presumably most all of your readers are old enough to remember otherwise, but if you saw James Worthy for the first time on that card, you would expect him to be about as effective as Danny Schayes.

--David said...

Poor Doug, he'll never outlive the 'flaming balls' incident....

William said...

I still remember getting a 1989 Donruss Pete Stanicek card from the doctor when I was 4 or so. I also remember winning a 1993 Upper Deck folder in 5th grade that had cards of Ron Gant, Reggie Sanders, Randy Johnson, and Chuck Knoblauch on it. 11 years later and it's still in my desk.