Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Dr. Steve's Doctored Cards #14

When you were a kid, did you ever ask one of your coloring buddies not to color so fast with one of your magic markers? Usually, if you were lucky enough to get Crayolas, this wasn't a problem, but if your markers looked like this:

...you were shit out of luck. "Coloring fast" would have been like getting caught in Death Valley without your chapstick.
Prang? What the fuck is that? You know you have a branding problem when your corporate identity rhymes with the incorrect past tense of "bring."
Imagine your first day of... let's say... second grade. You stand in line with your backpack with the too-stiff shoulder straps, everything smells new, your crayons aren't broken yet, and you're ready as all get out to uncork your brand new pack of markers, the only one you'll be getting for the entire year.
And then...
"Prang?! Fuck, mom, FUCK!!! And these are PASTEL?!?! How the hell am I supposed to color a fucking Thundercat when all I have is Mint Green? Shit!"
And that's how you get sent to the principals office and get labeled BD, LD, ADHD, and get sent to an MRP on your IEP on your first day.
So where is all this going. Well, I thought it looked a little like Dr. Steve may have avoided the temptation to "color fast" on this particular masterpiece. Beyond any shadow of a doubt, the brown crayon hit the wastebasket soon after the completion of this gem.

1991 Fleer #59 Tom Browning

So, you threw a perfect game? Too fucking bad, you're getting the brown treatment. "Fuck you, pay me."

Like Quentin Tarantino's character in Reservoir Dogs lamented after receiving his code name, " Yeah, yeah, but 'Mr. Brown'? That's little too close to 'Mr. Shit'.
Too late, Tom Browning. Dr. Steve has spoken.

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