Thursday, October 16, 2008

Cards That Will Make You Shit Your Pants #2

Today's Battle Cards card reminds me of my middle-school friend Aaron, a guy who unabashedly spent a great deal of his time listening to Slayer while using a one-armadillo-hair paintbrush to achieve a painstaking amount of detail on his pewter Warhammer figurines.

133 Secrets of Vangoria

Shhhhhh...this card has a secret. It fought a dragon, used its skin to construct an impenetrable shield, and then killed your mother. That's her blood dripping from the serrated knife.

Get this: The back of this card lists its alignment as "neutral." That's right, this chaos warrior wielding a weapon designed for maximum discomfort upon anal expungement is on the side of the Swiss. Now I know to watch my step whilst vacationing in Zurich. The last thing my body needs is another orifice.

We also get a language lesson through what I hope is only a portion of the Vangorian alphabet. Ironically, the only English word that can be spelled is "shy." Not exactly the adjective that describes a helmeted berzerker with the blood of a smited enemy running rivulets between his knuckles. If you shit your pants looking at this, keep it a Secret.

1 comment:

--David said...

I need a change of BVDs.... That is one scary weapon! Expect to see that in Saw V, or VI, or XXII...