Sunday, October 12, 2008

My Secret Shame #4: Birds, Bees, and Flowers

The voting was close, but I'll live up to my word and present you with another page from my childhood sticker book. While I was sometimes able to work a sports sticker or two into the page, I was hamstrung by the topic and by my lack of creativity. Being the literal-minded youngster I was, there was no choice but for me to follow the page's title to the letter.

Impressed yet? I hope you are. And I'm glad none of you are within walking distance of my house, because I really need to get kicked in the teeth for owning such a namby-pamby keepsake. Slaps to the forehead are in order. Couldn't I have just snuck a Toronto Blue Jay or a St. Louis Cardinal somewhere on the page. Anywhere? Hello? McFly?!?! I'll bet my third grade self just went around with its chest puffed out, proud as fuck that every sticker here has either a bird, a bee, or a flower somewhere on it, or even a combination of these. Frankly, I'm surprised that so many stickers met the strict criteria. Let's take a closer look at the contents.

As I think I've stated before, allergies to basically everything that grows or is associated with animal hair made weekly trips to the doctor necessary. Following my weekly injections, I was allowed to choose from a circular tin filled with compensatory stickers. It was a cruel game the nurses and I played. They pretended to be sympathetic for jabbing me in each arm with a needle, and I pretended I didn't wish the tin was actually filled with candy. Oh well, they're probably dead now (at least the older ones) and I have a valid excuse prohibiting me from ever owning a cat. I'm not sure what this sticker is supposed to be saying. Perhaps the bee is sneezing in the middle of saying the word "allergy," or maybe it's a badly portrayed pun on the colloquialism "gee." In any case, I doubt a bee can sneeze, though I pity the rare case of one who is allergic to pollen. That bee would most certainly qualify for full disability and live the rest of its life on the dole.

On this next one, the bees are the agitators, terrorizing a poor Garbage Pail Kid. Was this in the days before the Epi-Pen emerged? Well, there you have it for my bee stickers.

Up next is a Valentine's Day sticker that had obviously been yanked from some other affixation. My heart was in the right place, but my execution was piss poor. To top it off, Woodstock is barely even a bird, but rather exists as the anthropomorphization of all of the most frail human qualities rolled into whatever bird he is supposed to be. He's far too trusting, weak willed, has obvious communicative disorders, is possibly dyslexic, and sucks at the one thing birds need to be good at: flight. Tee-hee-hee all you want, bitch, but the rest of your species stays true to the course through a light breeze, wherein you are usually rocked ass over tea kettle.

Here I come close to scratching the surface of an MLB logo with an oriole. Sucks to be me, though, since this "sticker" is in reality much closer to a stamp, albeit one that could only get an envelope as far as the dead letters department of my local post office. But hey, at least I saved three acres of forest with my contribution to the Nature Conservancy.
No I didn't, those things look free as hell. Boy, was I scraping the bottom of the bird barrel with that one.

We'll finish tonight with another really chintzy looking stamp/sticker, portraying a macaw that moonlights as a reggae dancehall DJ. Or perhaps he occupies a local AM radio drivetime slot, but since he's up against a nationally syndicated shock jock, he's just not pulling the ratings his show deserves. Do I read too much into these stickers? That may be, but that's what they're there for.

Let me know if you want another one of these soon. I'm going in order, and I promise the next page has some much cooler stuff to share.


dayf said...

I'm surprised you didn't put sexy stickers in your Birds & Bees page. Maybe not everyone is as depraved as I was when I was a kid. (example: I was the guy who brought all the Truly Tasteless Joke books to recess)

White Sox Cards said...

More shame! Bring it on!

capewood said...

It's very cute.

--David said...

My brother suffered the same kind of needle-pricking as a child, and I distinctly remember the Aller-GEE sticker! LOL, man, that was a V-E-R-Y long time ago....

Anonymous said...

Wow! I completely forgot about the Garbage Pail Kids. I remember when I was a little kid, every time my mom would take me with her to the local K-mart, I would beg and plead for her to buy me a pack of the sticker cards. She thought they were the most disgusting things ever and rarely caved in. But when she did, the GPK's would wind up stuck in the weirdest places (ie: the bottom of a skillet or the side of the toilet). Ahhh, those were good times.