Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Halloween! Cards That Will Make You Shit Your Pants #8 and #9

Thanks again to everyone who took part in and supported Nightmares on Cardboard. Anyone who is owed a prize or has traded with me at some point in the last week should expect their goods to arrive sometime early next week. Until then, feast upon the last two cards from the Battle Cards pack.

66 The Flesh-Eater

All of the zombie films I've watched over the course of the last month has pretty much jaded me. Counting three arms in the frame and knowing full well that one of them is no longer attached to its owner is something I've been face-to-face with on a daily basis.
The Flesh-Eater card has a special rules footnote, derived from a fact that doesn't show up in any of the movies I've watched. "No zombie will attack anyone who addresses it by its mortal name." I guess that knowledge would have skewed all existing demographic data referencing the likelihood of a violent crime being committed against you by someone you know.


This next one is certain to give at least half of the readers of today's post a bonafide frightmare.
70 Homunculus

The term homunculus is certainly difficult to describe, so I'll let you read about that on your own. The theory behind it is fascinating, but ultimately explains very little, dabbling into areas of brain biology, philosophy, and Druidism.
This guy in particular could be looked at as the driving force behind hunger. Between "throaty gurglings," this beast is the living embodiment of appetite. It devours everything in its path and surges forward, never satisfied. Basically, he's your run-of-the-mill card collector, but just a little more pale.

How this is a creature that has not yet shown up in a mainstream horror release is beyond me. Saying that, I'm sure there's something out there of which I am not aware that features a Homunculus, in a form close to this one, prominently.

If you can't sleep tonight, I'll take the blame. And if you hear your bedroom windows rattling, don't worry; the Homunculus approaches not with a boom, but a gurgle. Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Nightmares on Cardboard 2008 -- Grand Prize Winner

The moment everyone has been waiting for has arrived. It's time to declare a winner in the first annual Thorzul Will Rule Halloween Contest: Nightmares on Cardboard. The Grand Prize goes to...PunkRockPaint!
His blog is one of the newest on the scene, and it will be one that I have plans on checking daily. His latest post showcases some really great Allen & Ginter creations. With his post and the one you're reading today, I think we've reached a tipping point (to use Malcolm Gladwell's term). Cards created by the masses (not to mention articles written by bloggers) are better than ones made my card companies (and by trade magazines). To wit:

Here's the back of the mailing envelope PunkRockPaint sent. Dripping blood is always a plus.

Now, let's see what's inside. A slight greeting card sat atop a package wrapped in some binding twine. I slipped off the twine and was met with a warning. Should I heed this harbinger? Naaahhhh.

One the first cards I can see is a Robin Yount card I actually didn't have.
2005 Upper Deck Classics Classic Counterparts Robin Yount/Paul Molitor #CC-MY (0689/1999)

Fret not, ghouls and ghoulettes, the knife and axe graphics were mounted on a penny sleeve, not on the card. Awesome throw-in for the contest!

Sandwiched between a couple of top loaders was an honest-to-goodness pack of cards. The wrapper graphic borrows heavily from the E.C. Comics design, which gets a membranous update with a throbbing brain revealed to be lurking underneath the rawhide cover of the ball. Tingling with fear, I am!

Flip the pack over, and you get the full complement of odds. My favorites are the Gray Matter Back Parallel 1:24 and the Body Part Relics, especially "Toe." Devilishly delightful!

Let's tear in, kiddies!

Anthony Perkins! Oh my God! What a great beginning to this pack. At this point I knew I was in for something special.

From here on, I'll reveal the cards in the pack one by one. PRP also sent me the original jpg's for the purpose of clarity, but I assure you there's nothing like holding the real thing in your hands. Since this card was shown first, I'll share it now. the rest will be shown in order according to an increasing level of greatness.

1960 Topps #394 Norm Bates

The front of this card contains an excellent headshot, showing exactly why Perkins was typecast for the rest of his career because of his role in Psycho. This card uses the original 1960 Topps card of Dodger Norm Larker. Note the subtle transformation of the Dodgers logo into that of the "Mothers."
And let's take a look at the back.

Wait a min-

What th-

How in the wor-

Good Lord, even the cartoon on the back is altered! We are in the presence of greatness.


Next: 1979-1980 O-Pee-Chee Hockey #13 Jason Voorhees

This one is good, but probably my least favorite in the pack. The horror angle is a little obvious, but still fun. I wasn't able to pinpoint the exact card used for this . The CCCP on the jersey suggests Vladislav Tretiak, but I can't be sure. Crystal Lake certainly needs a team, and I suppose hockey would indeed be their game. The town is more of a summer vacation village, but counselors who aren't dead could round out the roster. Again, take your time reading the backs of these cards for some really smart references.
(Editor's Note: One of the coolest things about these cards is the use of a set contemporary to the release of the film parodied. Friday the 13th, for example, came out in 1980. Excellent.)
Hold on a second! It wasn't until I posted this and took a look at the full-size scan that I realized that the severed head is that of Kevin Bacon! Brilliant!

1980 Topps #366 Jack Torrance

This card was used to different effect by yesterday's second place winner. Look out for the sneaky changes to the text and stats on the back. Jack's "Overlook" stat line is my favorite, plus the note that he "froze to death in the offseason," which I guess was really the offseason of the hotel as well. Huh.
The cartoon is also brilliant. I have no Idea how PRP pulled this off, but I'm guessing he's going to share this tomorrow on the blog Things Done To Cards. I can't wait to check it out.

Here's the German Expressionism I was hinting at yesterday.
1922 E-220 National Caramel Count Orlok

Oh.
My.
God.

This has to be the coolest card ever produced by anyone anywhere. Check out the purposely rounded corners to simulate aging.
This card also brings to mind the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror IV, where Lisa drops some serious vampire knowledge.
"They're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead: Nosferatu, Das Wampyr!"

And now, the one that had me gasping for breath, the one that topped Nosferatu within a matter of seconds, the Bob Beamon of the world of doctored cards...

2008 Topps Allen & Ginter #AGR-RMN Regan McNeil Vomit-Stained Blouse

Pictured above are merely the raw images used to create this card, which I scanned for you in its complete form below.



Yes, Virginia, that is a swatch of...something contained within a frame of an actual A&G relic card.
I'm going to go out of my way right not to implore PunkRockPaint to never duplicate any more hard copies of these cards so I can be the only one in the world to own them. I'm urging you to go Matthew Barney on us and withhold your art.
(Editor's Note: Matthew Barney is an experimental filmmaker who has declined to release his best-known work, the five-part film saga The Cremaster Series, on any kind of mass-market DVD, opting instead to construct elaborately packaged DVDs with insanely short print runs that were sold for hundreds of thousands of dollars apiece to wealthy art collectors. Oh, and he is married to Bjork.)
I fear that anything else I say about these cards will fail to do them justice, so I'll stop here.

An added bonus for anyone who wanted a clearer look at the wrapper, here you go...

The prize that PunkRockPaint will receive, as promised, is indeed a relic card of a player who has won two World Series rings since 1990.
2008 Upper Deck Jersey David Ortiz #UDJ-DO

I was lucky enough to pull a guaranteed jersey card of an actual good player from a blaster, so I feel I should share this good fortune with the winner.

Until next year's contest, I bid all of you a spooky Halloween.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Nightmares on Cardboard 2008 -- Second Place

David from Tribe Cards sent in this entry that earned him second place in my Halloween Contest.

2007 Topps Heritage Here's Jhonny (1/1)

This card is awesome because it references the best movie to be made from a Stephen King story. I probably read The Shining when I was in fifth or sixth grade, kind of an early age for stuff like that, but I have my best friend at the time to blame. Or, more accurately, his dad, who was a morning DJ in Milwaukee. During the course of his career, he had the honor of interviewing Mr. King. I can still remember listening to a tape of the interview where Stephen King discusses the naked guy trimming his lawn with his mouth and the green juice dripping down his chin from his short story The Lawnmower Man (which bears no resemblance to the movie of the same name). The Shining has remained my favorite of his novels.

The stat box on the back of this card is really what helps this card rise above. My favorite is the "Yards: Snow-filled" statistic. I should point out that the outdoor landscaping of the Overlook Hotel is the one major story element that got changed in the translation to film. In the book, topiary hedge animals came to life and were on unfriendly terms with the Torrance family. Director Stanley Kubrick helped change the animals to the well-known hedge maze, which made a much better addition to the feelings of isolation and claustrophobia that drove Jack mad.

I must point out, however, that I disagree with one piece of statistical data. Where "Completions" reads "Actually, 0," (and I'm taking this to mean murders), I must say that I think Jack did successfully kill one character, Mr. Halloran. I've got a link to the video proof here, although there's some terrible non-original source music playing over the soundtrack. Fast forward to about 1:00 if you're short on time; the first minute is merely Scatman Crothers walking down hallways.
Then again, perhaps Completions refers to the novels Jack was planning on writing.

And here's a pic of the original artwork before any printer degradation.

Tomorrow, the winner winner chicken dinner. You all have a bit of German expressionism to look forward to. See you then!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Nightmares on Cardboard 2008 -- Third Place

So I suppose I've teased this contest long enough, and it's time to deliver the goods. Response was tepid, but the quality of what I received from my first annual Halloween Scary Card Contest was unbelievable. People with more skill and time than I would have ever imagined sent in entries that outdid the majority of the offerings from major card companies this year. (I'm looking in your direction, Upper Deck. Two politicians fighting on a baseball field = lame.)

To be brutally honest, only three hardcore fans entered the contest. With each entry I received, I loudly exclaimed, "This one has to be the winner, no contest!" To assign tonight's card third place, then, was a Heartbreaking Decision of Staggering Contemplation. I truly feel bad that this one gets the white ribbon. It comes from Matt, proprietor of a card blog smart enough to take its name from a book smart enough to have included rudimentary blueprint schematics of a house's floor plan wherein the author and his little brother/surrogate son ran and slid on the hardwood floors in stocking feet. Yes, that is a long sentence. Here.

2008 Upper Deck A Piece of History Body Cuts -- Kimbo Slice

The card was extremely timely, with Kimbo's imminent Elite XC loss occurring on October 4. I've made reference before to the eventuality of swatches of skidmarked undies and epithelial cells one day making their way onto cards. Finding this card in a pack would inspire fear the likes of which this world has not yet seen.

If the scan is too hard to read, here is the transcript from the back:
"CONGRATULATIONS!
You have received a trading card with an historical blood splatter of Kimbo Slice's blood. The splatter was certified to us as being beaten out of Kimbo Slice. We hope you enjoy this piece of history as we continue to take you uncomfortably close to history!"

Shout outs to Matt for having the foresight to use a double-thick pack decoy on which to mount his image, making this feel like a real card. This is a card with which I will never part, as it is truly one-of-a-kind.

Second place tomorrow, unless report cards bog me down! All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Monday, October 27, 2008

A Trick and a Treat

aka "The Seventh Card That Will Make You Shit Your Pants"

With Halloween less than a week away, I'd better get going on sharing all of the horrific Battle Cards with you. Here's today's.

96 The Demon of Eelsea

What we have here is basically a lungfish on steroids. I think I saw one of these at Bally Total Fitness tonight. He was turning sideways to fit through a door. The back of the card tells the story of this beast, letting the readers know that the icthy-monster can be thought of as a cousin to the Kraken. I'll let you read the rest yourself.

Did you catch that the Demon of Elsea needs to haul itself onto dry land occasionally in order to rest? Well, here's tonight's treat, a being that acts in a similar fashion.

2008 Topps Updates and Highlights #UH300 CC Sabathia

At long last, the card I've been waiting months for is here. My hobby box of U&H arrived today, and it didn't take long for CC to appear, being found in the second pack, in fact. Much like the Demon, CC sometimes pushes away from his natural habitat, the buffet table, to pitch eight or nine shutout innings. In a fair fight, one fought on neutral territory, such as a vat of quicksand, CC will come out on top 90% of the time. His stamina is superior, he doesn't need periodic rest, and his "good cholesterol" numbers are surprisingly positive. Look for the team that comes in in second place in the bidding war for CC's services this winter to quickly sign the Demon of Eelsea. Will he look good in Dodger blue? Time will tell. For now, I look forward to a year's worth of "The Vacuum Cleaner That Does Your Taxes" to appear on cards that say "Brewers" on them for a full calendar year (until 2009 Topps Updates and Highlights, of course).

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Dr. Steve's Doctored Cards #20

This is the only doctored card from Doctor Steve that I don't understand.

1991 Fleer #377 Joel Skinner

I can remember an SI For Kids article from a long time ago where a kid sent in a 1990 Joel Skinner card where the card was doctored to show Joel clutching a knife and holding the pelt of a dead mammal, thusly making Joel a true "Skinner." This one, however, needs to be explained to me. Let me run a few of my own theories of this card's meaning past you.

A. Something Ninja Turtle-ly. April O'Neil was the TV reporter that befriended the turtle dudes, who were fond of saying "Yo!" and other "radical" terms. However, there exists no link to the player or his name. There was the rat sensei named Splinter, which is phonemically in the same ballpark as Skinner, but that's a massive stretch.

2. An ALF connection? He also said, "Yo!" a lot. But ALF was tailing off in popularity by 1991, and I know of no April. There was Lynn the daughter, and Willie, the guy who played the dad and subsequently became an addict. This is getting me nowhere.

D. A precognitive X-Files connection. The only character named Skinner that I can recall is the agent from that show, which began airing in 1993. Oh, and there's also Seymour Skinner, principal of Springfield Elementary School. Perhaps this is just all a big chase down an endless rabbit hole.

Any help you can give me to decipher this riddle of a card would be greatly appreciated. Perhaps Dr. Steve will chime in and reveal the method to his madness.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Robin Yount Cards That Will Make You Shit Your Pants #6

Today's Thorzul's birthday, but you get the presents. Everyone reading tonight gets another scary card and the three-card Robin Yount bonus. Enjoy.

2008 Goudey #214
This card came in the mail the other day, and I'm finally getting around to cataloging it now. The art is interesting, but I'd wish that Robin would keep at least one eye out for the base-ball men trying to steal bases behind him.
In the same auction I also won a Bob Gibson short print. If anyone needs the Gibson and wants to trade me something from my want list, let me know. I've also got a Frank Robinson SP available, too.

2003 Leaf Shirt Off My Back #12 (483/500)
This is one of my favorite cards, and it's not hard to tell why. The subset name is clever, bringing to mind those last few home games of the year, year after year when the Brewers were usually so far out of first place that they were actually a few-and-a-half games down in next year's standings already, when player jerseys could be won by fans in a random drawing. There's also a big-ass old-school ball-and-glove logo dominating the design. Could I cram a few more hyphenated adjectives into the description of this card? Sure, but I would have to pay my typesetter an hour's worth of extra wages. Pipe down, Phinneaus, and put that piece of coal back where you found it!

2003 Upper Deck Sweet Spot Classic #SJ-RY
This is a card I won in another auction a couple of weeks ago, but received only today. The seller sent me a different game-used Yount card in its place by mistake. To their credit, they very nicely checked their inventory, acknowledged their error, and promptly sent the correct card. An up-close look shows that this is your basic game-used pinstripe jersey swatch, but it is colored a disturbingly dark shade of gray. With Yount cards, you basically have three options on the jersey: white home (sometimes with a blue pinstripe), gray road, or least commonly, powder blue from the early-'80s road uniforms. This looks something like an errant pinstripe that found its way onto a standard-issue road shirt. I have no idea how it got this way, but it's a neat addition to the collection.

#75 Wolfman
This card presents a new take on the whole werewolf mythology. Is this a specimen caught mid-transformation? Is it a half-wolf, half-man, trained in the ways of the battle axe? No one knows, since there's no backstory on the card. It is described as a neutral member of the Battle Cards universe, so I guess you've got a 50/50 shot at having him either fight beside you or eff your ess up. It's your basic coin flip.

By the way, today was the date mentioned as the deadline for creating the world's scariest card for my Halloween contest. I'll show some benevolence and extend the deadline to the end of Sunday, giving any procrastinators the weekend to whip up something fun. The week leading up to Halloween proper will be used to showcase all of the great stuff that has helped brighten my October.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

World Series Kickoff

Game 1 is already underway, but as promised, I have some 1970s Fleer goodness to share. This card was the result of one of those happy eBay accidents, where I was looking for something else and ran across an interesting item.

1970 Fleer World Series #3 1905

In 1970 and 1971 Fleer produced a small set of cards commemorating each of the World Series played up until that time. I bid on a bunch of these last week, but won only one of them. If you want a more in-depth look at the set, I suggest you visit this post by the Fleer Sticker Project. That guy's got everything pictured; wrappers, wax boxes, and a large portion of the set. What I didn't see pictured, however, was the 1905 Series card.

The dripping paintbrush and the "Whitewash Series" moniker are a reference to the unusual occurrence of each game having been a shutout for one team or the other. The New York Giants defeated the Philadelphia Athletics four games to one, with Christy Mathewson throwing three shutouts in a six-day span. This card is in somewhat rough shape and is badly miscut, but I'm happy to own it nonetheless. Perhaps in the future I can acquire a few more to share.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Cards That Will Make You Shit Your Pants #5

Just looking at today's card makes me feel dirty. I won't get into whatever S&M kink she subscribes to, but instead I'll allow your imaginations do the work. Yuck.

93 Gleeta Spee

This chick is definitely on the side of evil. The back of the card lists her as one of Zheena Nightshade's military leaders, but you and I know who she's really with: Gozer the Gozarian.

Her backstory is long and convoluted, peppered with names like "Droglyns," "Jorra-mungha," and "Baalthazac." Bunch of B.S. if you ask me. All I know is that if she asks you if you are a god, you say YES!

"Gozer the Traveller will come in one of the pre-chosen forms.
During the rectification of the Vuldronaii the Traveller came as a very large and moving Torb.
Then of course in the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex supplicants they chose a new form for him, that of a Sloar.
Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Sloar that day I can tell you."

That all may be true, but I'm guessing it's standard operating procedure to check that your sack is still intact after tangling with Gleeta Spee.

All of this talk is making me run to my DVD library and pop in Ghostbusters as soon as this is posted. Great quotes from the movie will be appreciated in the comments.

Man, I need to steer this blog back onto baseball cards. I promise a pretty cool card tomorrow.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Dr. Steve's Doctored Cards #19

Suck on this!

1991 Upper Deck #389 Chet Lemon


Editor's Note: I borrowed the single line of tonight's text from what was possibly the funniest moment of the fourth season of "The Office." The first person to identify the context of the quote wins nothing, but is awesome in my book.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Cards That Will Make You Shit Your Pants #3 and #4

I feel a little bad for stiffing everybody yesterday on the scary card. I was just a little too busy last night watching Shaun of the Dead. My fiancee and I are going through all of the Dead movies chronologically, starting with Night of the Living Dead, moving on to Dawn of the Dead (the one in the mall), and rounding out the trilogy with Day of the Dead. I'm sure we'll hit Romero's recent addition to the series in Land of the Dead soon. Yeah, I know there's Diary and next year's Island, but October only has so many days. I also pulled White Zombie (purported to be the first actual zombie movie) out of one of those 50-movie packs of cheaply reproduced public domain films, but only made it through the first five minutes or so. Not sure if that one's worth watching. Anyways, on with the cards!

61 Barbarian Swordsman

Another character whose alignment is listed as "neutral." I suppose that's what usually makes for a good story: Few, if any, good guys; only varying degrees of bad guys. The art for this is heavily influenced by Conan. Taking into account the production year of the Battle Cards set (1993), we see that this was a resurgence of the age of the barbarian. Peaking with the Schwarzenegger films of the 1980s, there followed another hiccup in the early-to-mid-'90s. Conan the Adventurer, an above average animated series, ran from 1992 to 1994. Around the same time, Milton Bradley began production of HeroQuest, a Dungeons & Dragons-like game suited towards entry-level players. Tell me the artwork isn't similar. To bring another film franchise into the fold, this barbarian is being stalked by a giant spider, similar to the one from Lord of the Rings. The scariness of this card is minimal, but I suppose the evil existing in this set cannot remain unchecked.

99 Jahnu the Hunter

Jahnu is described as "a solitary figure living a hermit-like existence." There is certainly something very tribal and indigenous about him. The Battle Cat-esque creature beside him is Jawz, a fierce hunting ape. I'll let you read his extensive backstory yourself.
I'm impressed with the level of effort that went into these cards, although it is not universal throughout the set. Many cards do tell part of the story myth, but others just state the rules of the card game. Today's entries were the two least scary of the bunch, but expect more evisceration and fear to follow later this week.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The Hobby: Episode 2

I never promised it would be frequent, but I did make assurances regarding quality. The first one was done the day before school started, and today is the first real weekday I've had off since then, so I thought it would be a good time to try to revive...The Hobby

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Cards That Will Make You Shit Your Pants #2

Today's Battle Cards card reminds me of my middle-school friend Aaron, a guy who unabashedly spent a great deal of his time listening to Slayer while using a one-armadillo-hair paintbrush to achieve a painstaking amount of detail on his pewter Warhammer figurines.

133 Secrets of Vangoria

Shhhhhh...this card has a secret. It fought a dragon, used its skin to construct an impenetrable shield, and then killed your mother. That's her blood dripping from the serrated knife.

Get this: The back of this card lists its alignment as "neutral." That's right, this chaos warrior wielding a weapon designed for maximum discomfort upon anal expungement is on the side of the Swiss. Now I know to watch my step whilst vacationing in Zurich. The last thing my body needs is another orifice.

We also get a language lesson through what I hope is only a portion of the Vangorian alphabet. Ironically, the only English word that can be spelled is "shy." Not exactly the adjective that describes a helmeted berzerker with the blood of a smited enemy running rivulets between his knuckles. If you shit your pants looking at this, keep it a Secret.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Cards That Will Make You Shit Your Pants #1

A visit to my local card shop's bargain bin enabled me to discover this gem. With Halloween just around the bend, I'm proud to present...Battle Packs, the scariest cards ever made!

I can't remember the last time I opened a pack with a battle axe and a mace on the wrapper. It might have been 1988 D'Russ, but I'd have to check my records. The set was produced by Merlin Productions, Inc., circa 1993. Each card contains part of a massive scratch-off game and had its image lifted from the brain of a serial killer. Each day between now and the beginning of my Halloween Contest I will post a new card, and eventually stage a game against my readers (once I re-read and understand the rules, of course).
Here is today's first card.
92 Gargantuan Marauder

The backs of most sports cards simply list the player's affiiation; Mariners, Rangers, Royals and such. The back of this card identifies the Marauder's "Alignment" as "Evil." That's a pretty tough 40-man roster to crack, and a team you'd be hesitant to be traded to. AL pitchers must fret about being traded to the NL where they would have to bat. Battle Cards have to worry about being traded to Evil, where they might have to learn to disembowel and gouge.
The Marauder is shown scaling a mountain somewhere in the highest, most treacherous peaks of the Himalayas. He has just bested the Yeti with his broadsword, and is currently using the Yeti's blindingly white fur hide as a warming pizza delivery bag. Yes, the Marauder delivers pizza pies from his 1985 Chevy Nova when he is not boiling the entrails of the just and skewering the gonads of the good. If he runs over his promised time of thirty minutes, he spares you eternal soul.

On a serious note, it's refreshing to see a CCG (a precursor to Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh!) such as this to have non-rounded corners on its card stock. The single-use nature of this scratch-off based set gives the cards a shorter playing lifetime, but allow them to have sharp corners. Stay tuned for tomorrow's card. You just might shit your pants.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dr. Steve's Doctored Cards #18

Back in the early '90s, Dr. Steve experimented with on-demand card art. One of his proteges would pull a card at random, and Dr. Steve would have thirty seconds to deface it in a witty fashion.
This practice ended after the first failed event, making a rare appearance below.

1991 Fleer #488 Joe Price


I'll hold back on making any bad sense/cents puns, here, and just write this one off as a total loss. I think I have about four more of these to share, most of which are the best of the series.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

My Secret Shame #4: Birds, Bees, and Flowers

The voting was close, but I'll live up to my word and present you with another page from my childhood sticker book. While I was sometimes able to work a sports sticker or two into the page, I was hamstrung by the topic and by my lack of creativity. Being the literal-minded youngster I was, there was no choice but for me to follow the page's title to the letter.

Impressed yet? I hope you are. And I'm glad none of you are within walking distance of my house, because I really need to get kicked in the teeth for owning such a namby-pamby keepsake. Slaps to the forehead are in order. Couldn't I have just snuck a Toronto Blue Jay or a St. Louis Cardinal somewhere on the page. Anywhere? Hello? McFly?!?! I'll bet my third grade self just went around with its chest puffed out, proud as fuck that every sticker here has either a bird, a bee, or a flower somewhere on it, or even a combination of these. Frankly, I'm surprised that so many stickers met the strict criteria. Let's take a closer look at the contents.

As I think I've stated before, allergies to basically everything that grows or is associated with animal hair made weekly trips to the doctor necessary. Following my weekly injections, I was allowed to choose from a circular tin filled with compensatory stickers. It was a cruel game the nurses and I played. They pretended to be sympathetic for jabbing me in each arm with a needle, and I pretended I didn't wish the tin was actually filled with candy. Oh well, they're probably dead now (at least the older ones) and I have a valid excuse prohibiting me from ever owning a cat. I'm not sure what this sticker is supposed to be saying. Perhaps the bee is sneezing in the middle of saying the word "allergy," or maybe it's a badly portrayed pun on the colloquialism "gee." In any case, I doubt a bee can sneeze, though I pity the rare case of one who is allergic to pollen. That bee would most certainly qualify for full disability and live the rest of its life on the dole.

On this next one, the bees are the agitators, terrorizing a poor Garbage Pail Kid. Was this in the days before the Epi-Pen emerged? Well, there you have it for my bee stickers.

Up next is a Valentine's Day sticker that had obviously been yanked from some other affixation. My heart was in the right place, but my execution was piss poor. To top it off, Woodstock is barely even a bird, but rather exists as the anthropomorphization of all of the most frail human qualities rolled into whatever bird he is supposed to be. He's far too trusting, weak willed, has obvious communicative disorders, is possibly dyslexic, and sucks at the one thing birds need to be good at: flight. Tee-hee-hee all you want, bitch, but the rest of your species stays true to the course through a light breeze, wherein you are usually rocked ass over tea kettle.

Here I come close to scratching the surface of an MLB logo with an oriole. Sucks to be me, though, since this "sticker" is in reality much closer to a stamp, albeit one that could only get an envelope as far as the dead letters department of my local post office. But hey, at least I saved three acres of forest with my contribution to the Nature Conservancy.
No I didn't, those things look free as hell. Boy, was I scraping the bottom of the bird barrel with that one.

We'll finish tonight with another really chintzy looking stamp/sticker, portraying a macaw that moonlights as a reggae dancehall DJ. Or perhaps he occupies a local AM radio drivetime slot, but since he's up against a nationally syndicated shock jock, he's just not pulling the ratings his show deserves. Do I read too much into these stickers? That may be, but that's what they're there for.

Let me know if you want another one of these soon. I'm going in order, and I promise the next page has some much cooler stuff to share.