Monday, February 9, 2009

My Secret Shame #6: Four-Legged Friends

Out of all the things I've shared on this blog up until now, this page from my childhood sticker book has been accompanied by the greatest amount of reluctance. My image as a beast among men might get sullied, but that's a small price to pay for maintaining my reputation as a guy who always shoots from the hip.

While I'm extremely hesitant to use the term, and because I often point out to others the inappropriate use of the word, many of the choices included on this page are extraordinarily gay. Super-gay. The only thing saving this page from being a Martina Navratilova-hosted screening of a Judy Garland film is the extremely tough-looking 1980s version of Buckingham U. Badger. I cannot tell you how sweet that non-motion W looks on his sweater. On a side note, and in the spirit of full disclosure, I have to reveal that my dad used this sticker as a fashion accessory for the better part of a decade. One fateful day, he decided it would be a good idea to purchase a plain red baseball cap. Ingenuity then met opportunity when he peeled another of the Bucky stickers from its paper backing, slapped it on the front of the cap, and called himself a fan. Tony Brown, if you're reading this, could you please provide verification?

Another four-legged friend, Snoopy, does his best Eric Heiden impersonation. I believe I've stated my opinion about who the real greatest Olympian of all time is. No need to rehash things, but I believe my case was solidified by last week's BONGUH (as Mr. Dondelinger liked to pronounce it) incident by a more recent Olympian. Snoopy's piss is clean.

Up next we have a large assortment of medical good behavior stickers. The first few of these are unspeakably horrible and bear little if any artistic merit.

The only interesting allergy shot stickers are the raccoon one and the rabbit one. The choice of a raccoon is an unusual one for any medical establishment, carrying the diseases that they do. I suppose some aspiring graphic designer was commissioned by MediBadge to create an entire woodlands portfolio subset, unaware that World's Greatest Garbage Picker wasn't really what the the powers-that-be were looking for.
And those are some really fucked up feet, too. Damn.

On the rabbit, I'm equally mystified. not BOTH?!?!
The untold story behind this one is that the speedy rabbit finally cut back to a pack-and-a-half a day.

On to the emasculating stickers. I've narrowed it down to the top three according to the extent to which someone might question my sexuality if the sticker appeared anywhere on my person. In no particular order...
A. Scotty Dog. All by itself, not so gay. Add the festive bow and the Punky Brewster-type background Neon Leon graphics, very gay. I heard some chatter on the interwebs that the folks down at Lisa Frank turned this one down for being too gaudy.

B. Unicorn Love. I think the one on the left is the boy. It has a beard. The other one might be a boy, too.

C. Talented Bear. I literally can't look at this one with a straight face (no pun intended). It's just...

Finally, you can tell that I tried to redeem myself by putting a tough dinosaur at the top of the page.

You can see how that went. When I asked the Stegosaurus what happened, why he has so much trouble looking cool despite the fact that he's a Stegosaurus, all he could do was breathlessly reply something about being late for a twin-billed Bette Midler/Cher concert.

I promise a much higher testosterone rating for the next Secret Shame post. One look and it will punch you in the face.


dayf said...

It's ok man. You can come right out of that closet. I like showtunes myself.

Also: don't mess with the unicorns man.

FanOfReds said...

Was the snoopy one from a calendar?

I seem to remember having a Peanuts calendar that came with a sheet of snoopy stickers...pretty sure I had a sticker book full of 'em myself years ago. ...though I don't think my sticker book has survived the years (probably just as well).

Motherscratcher said...

I had one of those sratch and sniff sticker books. Those were super cool though.

As far as secret shame, whenever Air Supply comes on the radio, I never change the station. Of course, I think, deep down, EVERYONE likes Air Supply, whether they will admit it or not.