Friday, April 10, 2009

They're Even Jerkoffs In Comics...

If everything is going according to plan, right now I am sitting in the north parking lot outside of Miller Park, celebrating the home opener of the Milwaukee Brewers. Hopefully I've lost count of fermented beverages consumed by this point, and I'm going out of my way to explain to complete strangers why the Justice League is better than the X-Men. Actually, I am pretty sure comic books will not enter into today's conversation, so I'll take this opportunity to weave a tapestry connecting comics, baseball, and today's opening day game.

One of my favorite establishments to visit is a place called Half Price Books. It's used bookstore chain, which I believe had its start in Texas, but now has several locations in a handful of possibly-non-contiguous states. If there's not one in your neck of the woods, your life is slightly more meaningless.

The last time I made a visit to HPB, I picked up this comic.
Daredevil #252, March, 1988

Normally, I'm a DC guy, but Daredevil is one of the few Marvel titles I pick up now and then, back issues mostly. Let me explain what's going on in this one. Basically, New York (the Hell's Kitchen neighborhood, in particular) has been experiencing a blackout. Gangs of punks have started to attempt to take advantage of the situation, going so far as to occupy a military surplus store and terrorize area residents. Let's pick up the action a few pages from the issue's conclusion.

The page starts off with ol' Hornhead beating the piss out of the gang's leader. An angry mob behind him roars its approval.

Daredevil chastises their overzealousness, and then his Spidey Sense (sorry to cross-contaminate fictional abilities here) kicks in, and it's tipping him off to trouble.

It looks like the angry mob has found a surviving member of the gang. DD steps in, but rape, torture, or worse look imminent.

And wouldn't you know it, look who the leader of this lynch mob is...a lowlife CUBS FAN! I can't make this stuff up! (Backing him appears to be Tiny Lister from the Friday films, and perhaps that boy from the movie Big, not the one who turned into Tom Hanks, but the kid who played his friend.) But seriously, a Cubs fan?!?! Was the writer of this comic totally right on or what? They're as big of D-bags in halftone as they are in person! Only the Comics Code Authority saved that poor girl from some wicked Wicker Park-style cornholing.

In the last panel, Daredevil puts the Kerry Wood apologist in his place, telling him to "shut up" and then daring him to make any sort of threatening move with his piece.

Am I being too hard on the Cubs and their fans? Perhaps, but it's only because they're such perfect targets. Any comment directed towards a Cubs fans is taken sooooo seriously. It's just baseball, guys. I'm just a guy rooting for a team that has a $79,857,502 payroll in 2009, not a $135,050,000 payroll (third highest in all of baseball). I take great care not to respond to any negative comments made on this site against the Brewers or any other team by Cubs fans because I don't take it that seriously. I've got my fucking sticker book up here, for crying out loud. Watch baseball and have fun doing it in 2009, folks!

(Oh, and all of you Cubs fans can have at it in the comments. Just keep the numbers 1 and 0 in mind.)

6 comments:

Wrigley Wax said...

Ouch!

--David said...

Nothing to do with the topic, but THANKS for the cards you sent in addition to the ones I bought!! Awesome tribers! http://tribecards.blogspot.com/2009/04/thorzul-rules.html

Chris Harris said...

"Wicked Wicker Park-style cornholing."

Where do you come up with this stuff?

Thorzul said...

Chris Harris:
Thorzul Will Rule is where genius meets insanity meets baseball cards.

I just have mad love for the English language.

gritz76 said...

Spoken like a true Cheese Head. Is all the hatred because we outnumber you at your own stadium?

Motherscratcher said...

I like english good too.