Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Greg Maddux: Ill-Jacked

Scene: Police Precinct #4, Inner-City, USA

I don't know how to explain it, officer. I was just... it all happened so fast. The next thing I knew it was gone.

Maybe you should just start from the beginning, Mr. Maddux. Just the facts.

Okay. I had just left my girlfriend's apartment.

I see.

It was a nice night out, and I decided to walk home instead of catching the train.

You picked the wrong neighborhood for that.

Yeah, now I know that. But I was just too happy to cram myself into that depressing subway car.

Go on.

The amulet was right around my neck. I remember that for certain since I gave it a tug for good luck just after kissing her goodnight.

A kiss, you say?

Yes... but-

Long, short, peck on the cheek?



I don't see how that's imp-

Never mind. Continue your story.

Well, the next thing I knew, I was on the ground, and all that was left was a... a... (Sobbing)

Take your time, Mr. Maddux. Here's a box of facial tissue.

Thanks. (Blows nose) Like I was saying, all that was left was an empty chain. It was gone.

Can you remember anything about your surroundings at the time of the incident? Perhaps a shadowy figure lurking above you?

No, I don't think the assailant was above me. In fact, I'm sure it was a-

Did he have a gun... two, perhaps?

No, I didn't see any gun. It had to have been a-

A dark man in a trenchcoat, creeping out from behind a pile of urban decay, lying in wait to ambush you and rob you of your possessions?

No, I keep trying to tell you, I think it was a woman, because I caught a whiff of perfume, or possibly hair styling product.

Jilted ex-lover?

No, not at all. In fact, I think there were a whole bunch of them. And then there's this... I was able to rip a piece of fabric from her clothing. See, it's purple. And I think I heard one of them say something about Mordor.

Murder, you say? This goes a lot deeper than a simple mugging. Wait while I go get the chief.

Not "murder!" "Mordor!!" Come on, detective, put the clues together: Purple shirt, older woman, hairspray, thug posse, Tolkien...

Might you have seen the hair color of the mugger?

Um... blond. That's it! Blond hair! And really tight pants!

Let me go get the mugshot book, I'll have you take a look.

Was this the woman that stole your amulet?


36-48 Hours Later...

Whew! Never again... never again.

Moral of the Story: Never bring your grievances to the American League President. Take it straight to the top.



White Sox Cards said...


dayf said...

Slow Clap.


PunkRockPaint said...


--David said...

That was hilarious... and strangely familiar-looking...