Saturday, August 8, 2009

What Baseball Cards Do When the Lights Go Out and Your Head Hits the Pillow

Mr. Yount, we're slowly creeping up on the seventeenth anniversary of your historic 3,000th base hit that cemented your place among baseball's all-time elite. Could you share with the viewers some of your memories surrounding that period of time?

Well, we were in the thick of the AL East division race at the time, and I was just trying to get us into the post-season. It certainly was an honor to... to... (Pause) Erin, I hate to break it to you, but the thing that sticks out the most in my mind was the teal.

I'm not sure I'm following you... The teal? Would you care to elaborate?

The Hornets, the San Jose Sharks, even the impending debut of the Marlins down in Miami... teal was everywhere. I myself owned at least three or four different Starter jackets, in an array of styles and pocket placements. Teal...

Mr. Yount? Mr. Yount? Are you alright?

Sorry, I blacked out there for a moment. I'm going to have to cut this short, young lady. I've got a teal party to organize.

Later that night...

Ryan, the kids on the current squad seem to look up to you as a natural leader. I think some positive word-of-mouth could really turn this dream into a reality. My place, tomorrow, eight o'clock. Get the word out.

You got it.

The next day...

I can't believe this is really happening, Mr. Yount. I'm so excited! Nice place you have here. Where should I put this bottle of Sprite I brought?
(In the distance, twangy singing is heard. "♫I'm the son of a third generation farmer...♪")

I'm down with the teal, but the DJ sealed the deal. Here's my stack of CDs... Taylor Swift, Keith Urban, Sugarland, Craig Morgan. ♪ I’ve been married 10 years to the farmer’s daughter
I’m a God fearin’ hard workin’ combine driver...♫

Hey guys, the party can start, the Prince has arrived!

Oh, uh, hi Prince. It looks like you, uh, brought somebody with you. How... um... nice.

Sorry, man, but this dude just invited hisself along when I mentioned it on my cell phone at the grocery store.

I think... yeah, I know that guy, man. Did he tell you what I did to him on April 15, 1987?

Naw, man.


Yo, Ed man, you got to go. I'll drop you off at the bus stop.

♫Hoggin’ up the road on my p-p-p-p-plower
Chug a lug a luggin’ 5 miles an hour
On my International Harvester ♫

Is it cool that I'm here? I mean, I guess I'm not officially--

Mi casa es su casa, dude.

Alright, ditched that dude. Oh, and he said, "Kiss my ass. 1983." Ummmm... and, "Bitch."

(A knock is heard at the door.)

Never fear, Bill Hall is here. I brought Twister, and Jenga, and--


Damn, Ryan Braun, you told me this was a black-tie event!

Sorry, Billy. Teal is for guys hitting over .200.



packaddict said...

Truly awesome! That is just hilarious..

madding said...

haha, that was great.

Dave said...


Anonymous said...

I love that song

PunkRockPaint said...


--David said...

Awesome! Once again, a very cooly creative post. These are fun!