Sunday, October 18, 2009

Pack Break: 2009 Topps Ticket to Boredom

So long as Upper Deck resists the temptation to release Documentary II this year, I'm calling Topps Ticket to Stardom the worst set of the year. While there are exceptions that prove the rule, any card design that neglects to incorporate either team colors or team logos will fail. All this design has going for it is a subtle colored frame around the player picture. Aside from that, I have no idea that a card with so much white space could look so muddled. These are cards only a mother could love, and my mom stopped collecting in 1975. Yet, this set has people out there buying it, and a little research helped me discover just who wants these cards. After revealing each card in the retail fat pack I bought recently, I'll let you know who's clamoring for this card.

Just look at that pack. Who in their right mind would pluck this from the shelves? Target, you had me at Bella Sara, but my heart would not listen.

Let's tear in.

Top to Bottom:
65 Jorge Cantu (Representatives from three of the top five eye-black manufacturers in metropolitan Miami, hoping against hope they can get Cantu to endorse their product.)

62 Cameron Maybin (Jefferson Perhabin and Remington Feasibin, charter members of Quasi-Synonymous Last Name Club.)

89 Josh Willingham (Former manager Manny Acta, longing for the human contact he once enjoyed, but has been missing since mid-season.)

194 Michael Young (Arlington-area tattoo artists in search of unspoiled arm canvas, a rare commodity in the Rangers locker room.)

37 Kenji Johjima (Intro to World Cinema students writing papers on Ugetsu monogatari, getting sidetracked, doing anything else to continue procrastinating.)
(Editor's Note: If you get that one without having to Google anything, you are alright in my book.)

126 Jason Varitek (All Red Sox fans. You can have this card for five dollars. This will prove how much you love your team.)

215 Phil Coke (RC) Die-Cut Parallel (Ric-rac Preservation Society of Southern New England, est. 1983.)

35 Felix Hernandez (Nobody.)

99 Paul Maholm (Pittsburgh-area Maholm super-collector who still pronounces Maholm incorrectly.)

80 Scott Rolen (Ironic Limp Bizkit YouTube video creators is search of an image for the refrain of their latest creation.)

8 Justin Morneau (Twins collectors with self-esteem issues severe enough to prevent them from collecting Kirby Puckett cards, yet at the same time too mild to push them into collecting Joe Mauer cards.

59 Ubaldo Jimenez (Jhoulys Chacin. Yes, it is getting a little bit creepy, according to Jimenez.)

187 A.J. Burnett (Towel-pie enthusiasts.)

132 Dan Haren (Hiroo Onoda, who has been fervently cheering on Haren and the Oakland Athletics since setting up camp deep in the Philippine mountains in May of 2007.)

Obviously, no one in their right mind will collect these cards.


SpastikMooss said...

I got the Ugetsu reference! I knew that cinema studies degree would pay off somewhere!

Otherwise, the Rolen looks ridiculous, the Varitek comment is spot on, and I feel kind of bad for King Felix. Real bad.

Duane said...

wow Scott Rolen looks, ummm heavy. and well just ridiculous, as noted above.

capewood said...

I bought a few packs but I don't like them. I agree, probably the worst set of the year.

madding said...

Yeah... what the hell is going on with that Rolen card?

Thorzul said...

Looks like he's warming up... but forgot that warming up didn't involve consuming an entire baked ham.