Monday, October 19, 2009

Why is the United States Mint Fucking With Me?

If you've paid cash for anything over the past decade or so, you've probably noticed the U.S Mint's 50-States Quarter Collection. And if you're anything like me, you have a collecting itch that can be scratched by just about anything. Now, I never really set out to acquire and display all twelve dollars and fifty cents of this clever scam by our government to take billions of these quarters out of circulation -- thereby netting billions of dollars in profit (If you care to read more on the subject, check this article out.) -- it just sort of happened. For one Christmas somewhere within the first few years of the quarter rollout, my parents gave my siblings and me the 50 States Quarters book seen below.

The book itself is actually pretty nice, a cut above some of the other stuff I've seen out there that has been sold to house these coins. There's a booklet on the inside that displays facts, flags, and other information about each of our fifty states. If I was eight years old when receiving this, I would have mentally devoured it. I was in my 20s, however, so in my youth I had to rely on the wooden USA state outlines puzzle that let me know that cars were made in Michigan and that Massachusetts, Connecticut, and Rhode Island are all stuck together in one big clump.

As time went by, whenever I got an unfamiliar quarter in change, I stuck it into the book. The book stayed in the junk drawer of at least four apartments or houses, nestled safely among the pens, paper clips, and a still-unopened Star Wars Power of the Force figure of Grand Moff Tarkin. As of this moment, I somehow still need the Oklahoma quarter to complete my collection. This empty space openly mocks me whenever I peruse this book, pointing at me and laughing because I've had at least a year to chase it down. I don't even know what's on the OK quarter, and I refuse to look it up because I'd like to be surprised when I eventually come across it.

My beef, however, is not with the missing piece to my collection, but with the addendum to it. Imagine my surprise when I fish through a pocketful of change and suddenly find a new, shiny, sharply-ridged quarter featuring... the DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA?!?! What the fuck?!?! Where is this quarter going to go in my book? Should I break out the Scotch tape?

This is a slap in the face to everyone who's been on board and helped devalue our currency since 1999. Delaware may have been the first state, but now I feel that anyone who saved one of these was just first in line to take one right in the pooper.

Aw, fuck... GUAM!!!! I give up. I guess that there's no point in trying to fit this collection into my book.

As it turns out, The US mint announced in December of 2008 that more US territories are on the way this year, including Puerto Rico, American Samoa, the US Virgin Islands, and the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands. Shit, if I was a Northern Marianan, I would feel like more of a real United States citizen with that sweeping gesture. Looks like someone wants me to buy a 50 State + 2009 DC US Territories Quarter Album Book. Fuck that. I give up. I believe my grandma was collecting these from the beginning and had a nice little thing to put them in as well, but she passed on before she could finish. I never heard my grandma curse in my life, but Im throwing in a "Fuck you" to the US Mint on her behalf.

I'm gonna go get a soda. Vermont and Kansas, it looks like your time has come.

8 comments:

beardy said...

Fucking hilarious!

Grand Cards said...

Awesome. I was given a map with all the states when this first started, and I would keep an eye out for new ones etc. and stayed on top of it this whole time to the point where I was only missing one or two from 2008. Then I got DC a few weeks ago and had the same reaction as you. Fortunately, my map book fell apart, which means I could actually get one of those states+ ones that are out there.

Christopher Michael said...

I find this post particular funny because I had no clue they were making the territory coins until today. Received a Virgin Islands one in change and had a WTF reaction.

Whats next after the territories? Start back from the beginning? Native American Nations?

Mad Guru said...

One of the card companies had a hand in this. Not only do you have the territories do deal with in addition to the states, you also have the two different mints (Denver coins have D's and Philly coins have P's). You also have freaking error quarters.

Waiting for them to release an Obama vending machine-used anniversary quarter.

gcrl said...

Amen. When I got a guam last week I took the $12.50 I had saved and dumped it in my change jar which I cashed in at the bank and used to buy cards.

William said...

It costs 4 cents to make a quarter and "collectors" buy them for 25 cents and keep them -- that's 21 cents for the government. Fuck the State Quarters!

bathmate said...

I liked it.
Bathmate

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