Sunday, November 15, 2009

Trade Me Nothing! III: Trade Negative 1

If anyone wants to know how the behind-the-scenes events here at Thorzul Will Rule actually work, I'm going to give you a peek behind the curtain right now. The day-to-day operations are actually quite simple: The mailroom employees arrive at 4:45 AM and they begin sorting through the sacks of mail that have piled up since the night before. They work what regularly approaches a fourteen-hour day for what turns out is just a shade below minimum wage, but don't worry, I as their employer match their 401k plans dollar for dollar.

The morning is spent opening all of that mail, sorting it geographically, and making me breakfast, usually something from all levels of the universally agreed-upon food pyramid. Following the consumption of my breakfast parfait, the crew gets back to the piles of incoming trades, and soon gets busy scanning all of the materials in my 15-station computer lab. (Macs only, of course. I'm actually quite proud of the letter Bill from the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation sent me commenting on the size my balls must be for requesting a grant from his foundation for Apple workstations for my for-profit organization. But hey, the check got cashed the same as any other.)

Once I get through the next three episodes of whatever season of whatever television show I am currently watching on DVD, I pick only the choicest topics on which to comment on this blog. Among these are the original artist proofs for The Hobby that are flown in daily from South Korea, pre-written posts from the former Yugoslavia that cover retail pack openings, and, you guessed it, Trade Me Anything trades. My servants, er, workers bring me one of these only after the previous trade has been posted, so as to keep all materials organized and separate from each other. Yes, the inner working of this corporation (privately held, as of fiscal 2009) are quite complicated, but somehow I manage.

Why am I telling you all of this? Why today? Here's the reason. The latest package from Trade Me Anything! III had just been forwarded to me. As my manservant, ever fearful of insulting me by turning his back to me, was making his way out of the grand hall, I bellowed from atop my dais, inquiring where the trade materials had gone. Let's take a look at the particulars:

From: Derek from Hey, That's Mine! in Texas

Giving: Supposedly, some of the cards from my hobby box of 2009 Topps Updates & Highlights.

Getting: Nothing.

That's right, the envelope Shang-Chi humbly passed to me contained nothing but a note reminding me what cards were requested and a self-addressed stamped envelope headed for Grand Prairie, TX.

Please realize, readers, that Trade Me Anything is my annual pre-holiday gift to you. Try making a trade in this fashion at a card show, and you will be laughed out of the hall. I am allowing you to select any card I am offering, and in return you only have to give me... something. Anything. And now I guess you know where the line for "Anything" is drawn. Try trading me nothing, and that is exactly what you will receive.

So Derek, or "Big D" if you will, please send me something, anything, and I will send you your cards. My USPS liaison will be eagerly awaiting your response.
Respectfully, Thorzul.

4 comments:

dayf said...

You selfish slacker, there were some perfectly good atoms of nitrogen, oxygen and argon in that package AND YOU TURNED YOUR NOSE UP AT THEM. I'll wager there was a molecule of carbon dioxide or two in there as well! One day you will be floating unprotected in the deep vacuum of space and you will come to regret discarding those atoms...

Mad Guru said...

I just figured he was the one who traded you the Immortal Soul of Elizabeth Rose McDonnell, Age 8 and you listed it with the wrong trade.

BigD said...

Dude, you didn't have to call me out in public, you're going to ruin my trade cred in the community! I think you'd better frisk ole Shang-Chi, that envelope was full when I put it in the mail! Maybe if you paid him better, he wouldn't have to raid your goodies. :)

Sheesh, I guess I'll have to send some more to make up for it.

SpastikMooss said...

I really hope you guys get this worked out!

I can assure you Thorzul that Derek is an awesome trader who gives truly awesome stuff - he's also the first blogger who ever picked stuff up at a card show for me! I'm sure he didn't mean to send you nothing, and I know you'll be happy with what you eventually get!