Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Bipped: The Road to Hell

The analysis of today's Bipping will take the form of an art lesson and an English lesson. But first, there are a few more Bippings to report.

First of all, Beardy was probably Bipped, but he didn't even have the stones to open the package and take it like a man. Really, dude? What the fuck? GCRL at least owes you "two for flinching." Damn.

Then I got word that A Cardboard Problem got Bipped, but details were sketchy.

And finally, Beckett got in on the action. Usually these guys are just a bunch of ass-hats, but I guess they have a sense of humor, too. Check out the correspondence Tracy Hackler sent to a fellow blogger.*

And here's my third Bipping. Man, I guess I asked for it. A package came from gritz76, a notorious Cubs fan who has taken part in one or more of my group breaks. This ominous warning showed up first:

It was followed by a nasty, yet confusing, note:

Here's the English lesson for today. Back when I was in school, I'm talking the really early years, my school did not have a hot lunch program. Everybody brought their lunches from home, everybody ate their lunches in the classroom, and everybody agreed that the room smelled like peanut butter in the afternoon. By the time I was in the intermediate grades, we finally got that hot meal we'd been longing for, and I can remember a monthly menu that was sent home so you would know what was ahead of you in terms of midday sustenance. For some reason, whenever the meal was tacos, it was always written "Taco's." Even as a fourth grader, I knew how fucking stupid that was. We didn't eat "Hamburger's" or "Mock Chicken Leg's," so what was this possessive "Taco's" shit? What, exactly, belonged to the tacos? I couldn't think of a single fucking thing.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I am not usually one to try on the badge of the Grammar Police, but if you're going to insult someone's team, at least punctuate the slings and arrows correctly. "Brewer's"? Really? Apostrophes are probably my number two concern in this arena, second only to people who, when talking about their own self and another person, use the phrase "and I" when, in a case in which they are the object of the sentence, "and me" would be the appropriate usage. Every moron on TV uses this at least twice per show. You wouldn't say, "She gave the glass to I," so why would you say, "She gave the glass to Sarah and I"? Idiots. And I know why they're doing it; they are trying to appear smart and in their minds "and I" is always smarter than "and me" no matter where in the sentence this clause appears, subject or predicate.

But I digress. (Your art lesson is on its way, I promise.)

Here's the meat of the Bipping. It was a huge stack of cards, and it started and ended with this man, the bread of a Bip sandwich:

(Loving the slightly different hues of the two cards.)

In between was the meat and the lettuce. And more meat. And more lettuce. And so on. Let me show you. Do you have a torch? Here, wind this around a club and soak it in kerosene. I'll light a match.

Ahh, here it is, the beginning of The Path of No Hope. Legend has it that no one has traversed it since 1908. Tread carefully my friend.

Oh no, our torch has gone out. (Here it comes. This image is an example of a vanishing point, popularized by artists such as Leonardo da Vinci.) There's no sense in turning around now. But it looks as if the path stretches ahead for an eternity. Rynes, and tigers, and Cubs, oh my!

An aerial view lets us see that the Sandberg/Blackwell path does indeed have an end, but in the end, only a penitent man will pass. Am I mixing too many mythologies here? Come on, just one more. OK, here it is: "Asps. Very dangerous. You go first."

By my count, that was 16 1987 Ryne Sandbergs, 15 1978 Tim Blackwells, and a Bip duo. Well done, friend. I hope you take the ribbing in good fun, much like I have.

"Bad dates."

*(Credit for the Digital Bipping goes out to Mad Guru. He lured me in with the promise of Younts and Molitors for trade. I'm sure many of us have been gotten.)

1. dayf Bipped by Motherscratcher
2. Thorzul Bipped by Motherscratcher
3. Night Owl Bipped by Thoughts and Sox
4. Baseball Cards Come to Life! Bipped by SpastikMooss
5. Motherscratcher Bipped by Beardy
6. Thorzul Bipped by Beardy
7. A Cardboard Problem Bipped by ?????
8. Beardy Bipped by GCRL (But Beardy Dikembe Mutombo-ed the Bipping Back in His Face)
9. Thorzul Bipped by gritz76

If you, or someone you love, gets Bipped, do not hesitate to call 1-800-THORZUL. Operators are standing by.


dayf said...

You need to hire more customer service reps, I've been on hold for like three hours.

gritz76 said...

The apostrophe shows that the Brewers own the suck. The suck belongs to the Brewers. Go Cubs!

madding said...

Yeah, I got hit, too. It's like the H1N1 of Twenty Ten.