Friday, January 29, 2010

My Secret Shame #8: Super Stickers

Okay, I took a day off from blogging yesterday for like the first day all month. I apologize. This month I have had the highest traffic of any month since Thorzul Will Rule has begun. Thank you for that. As a penance for yesterday's laziness, you get one of the fan favorites here, a page from my childhood sticker book. You can thank me later.

This page is the centerfold of the book, one half of the Super Stickers subset. I would imagine that this was intended to be the place where only the choicest stickers would reside. Sorry, sticker book makers, you're getting the same old shit here. Send me a hundred of these things, and you'll get ninety-nine pages of pert, oiled-up, XXXXXXXXX, and several zoomed-in-upon shaved XXXXXXXXX. (Sorry, there's kids reading this, I suppose. I'll let your imaginations go wild as to what's hidden by the X's. And if you can't already tell, I'm drunk as all get-out. Buckle up for a wild ride.)

First of all, check out this Boglin. He's laughing his ass off at a transgression of only the most severe type. Remember when I told you about the kids in my grade school who would punch people in the stomachs with their Boglins on their hand? Well, this guy is laughing at the victims' tears. What? What's that? Are you going to be shitting blood for the next four days? HAHAHAHAHAHA... FUCK YOU! AT LEAST YOU HAVE LEGS!!!

Next up is a sticker from a pack of Topps Trivia Battle cards. Don't believe me that such a thing existed?!?! Well, fuck you. For the longest time I thought the yellow smoke rising out of the cauldron was the wizards hair. Damn, was I stupid when I was little. Apparently this was the card you were supposed to lay down upon your enemy when they answer that Anchorage is the capital city of Alaska. You're supposed to scream, "Wrong, bitch!!! Juneau!!!" and then slap this card into their face. Full contact card collecting at its finest.

Here's my favorite sticker on the page. Does anything have more authority than a glue-backed piece of paper? Maybe a notary stamp does, but I'd like to see the mettle of a man who can argue with this "NO" sticker. "Can you take my shift next Sunday?" "NO, motherfucker! I got shit to do!" Can anyone argue with that? Hells, no.

Motherfuck. Why is this sticker not on its original backing? I can clearly remember my mom telling me that this was the coolest sticker she had ever seen, and that I'd be a damn fool for affixing it to any page, much less a page shared with...

...Don Sutton! Is he a pimp or what?!?! Old as hell, rocking the perm, enjoying his twilight years in sunny California.

There's a lot more to look at here. It's a veritable Where's Waldo of stickerdom. Can you find:
*An unlicensed Superman logo?
*WWF detritus?
*Dino ass?
*The worst hot air balloon ever?
*A slap in the face to the estate of E.B. White?
*Two of the worst fucking rainbows ever?

Again, I apologize for this incoherent mess. How many apologies is that? Well, multiply that time three beers. You wanna call that a quotient? Product, bitches!


TJ said...

Would the "NO" sticker be as cool if it actually said "ON"? I'd like to think so.

Jon said...

I think this is the Boglin I had as a kid. They kind of remind me of the foam rubber Book of the Dead version of the Evil Dead DVDs.

Oh, and I have an unopened pack of Trivia Battle in my possession as we speak, so if anyone doubts it's existence there is further proof out there.

Good drunken stuff.

gritz76 said...

You ARE special!

Tony Brown said...

Are you sure it's not his hair? Some sort of Swedish Wizard apprentice?

Quinton said...

I love Boglins!

Anonymous said...

What does Pac-Man have in his mouth?