Monday, April 19, 2010

"Sucking Dicks For Cheeseburgers"

I'll bet THAT got your attention this Monday morning.

An explanation is necessary, I suppose.

Basically, this phrase has been running through my head for the last few weeks. A couple of events (among them the use of the word "pyewp" by dayf in one of his recent posts, reminding me of my responsibility for the contribution of least one neologism to the English language each year) have transpired to cause me to introduce this term to the masses.

Sucking dicks for cheeseburgers.

Odds are, some of you might be aware of the impetus for this phrase. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, or if you just need a refresher, check out this clip. (On the TV Guide ratings scale, this clip would receive an A for Adult Situations and an L for Strong Language, in case you're at work.)

If you do happen to be at work or in a place with high moral standards, or you're just lazy, the clip was from the film Menace II Society. Now, as I see it, my phrase has several flaws to it, but, in the grand scope of things, what doesn't?
First of all, the quid pro quo is not in any way an exchange of a certain amount of dick sucking for a bag of cheeseburgers. Rather, the cheeseburgers are used as a bartering tool to receive some funding for drugs, or even for the very drugs themselves. The promise of dick sucking (the quality of which, mind you, is never made clear) is only used as a last resort measure with which the illegal substances could have possibly been obtained. Let it be clear that there was never any deal on the table that would have resulted in a goods (cheeseburgers -- DOUBLE cheeseburgers, at that) for services (an undetermined caliber of dick sucking for an indeterminate length of time).

Secondly, when the man with the sack of cheeseburgers sweetens the deal, so to speak, it is implied that the offer applies only to O-Dog, not to the other man in the scene. Just having a dick and being within earshot does not guarantee one, legally speaking, the opportunity to get one's dick sucked. The woman in the scene (and I hope not not making too great of an assumption here) has no dick, so the offer is null and void to her as well. Long story short, "sucking dick for cheeseburgers" might be more appropriate in this instance.

None of this changes the fact, however, that "sucking dicks for cheeseburgers" rolls off the tongue exponentially better than "an offer of cheeseburgers for crack cocaine, which, when rebuked, and with astonishing rapidity, becomes an offer of oral sex for said crack cocaine." Wouldn't you agree?

OK, if I haven't lost you by now, you're probably wondering what all of this has to do with baseball cards. Well, I have given it some thought, and I've decided that the phrase "sucking dicks for cheeseburgers" does have its place within the collecting community.

Have you ever come across a collector who, as far as you an tell, is desperately trying to get rid of a very nice card, but doesn't seem to be pleased by any offers, counter-offers, counter-counter-offers, or even the moon? The answer, if you're like me, is yes. It's not the other guy's fault, you just don't have anything he's interested in or that's nearly nice enough. In fact, I recently had my eye on a card another blogger pulled that would have fit nicely in one of my collections. Unfortunately, knowing I had nothing he needed, I didn't even do him the disrespect of making him an offer. At that point, I would have been... say it with me...

Sucking dicks for cheeseburgers.

Formal definition: The process of initiating a trade offer that has little to no chance of being accepted, on the basis of a huge discrepancy in actual or implied value or worth. Also the process of pursuing such a trade long after it becomes clear that you do not have anything the other party is interested in.

Before you regale me with your own stories of sucking dicks for cheeseburgers, let's see what Jon Matlack has to say.

"Are those cheeseburgers I smell? Oooooooooooh!"

Say what you will, but based on this post's title alone, traffic to this site will spike today. People will have let their curiosity get the better of them.


Jonathan @ RGB Cards said...

So what you're saying is, if I want to drive traffic to my blog, I need to come up with a post titled something along the lines of Sucking Dicks for Cheeseburgers, or dayf's recent, Free Money and Sex?

Word verification: chashers. So close.

PunkRockPaint said...

Matlacks pose made me spew my morning coffee out my damn nose...

In an effort to drive traffic away from my blog I plan on using the post title: No Sucking Dicks for Cheeseburgers.

gritz76 said...

The Topps Million Card Giveaway is full of dick suckers then!

dayf said...

I can never seem to inspire fluffy kittens or sweet melodies or happy little trees.

Fellatio for fast food? Damn skippy. I got dat.

Verification word: dical.

Cardsplitter said...

I can just imagine dropping that bomb at the dinner table.

"How was your day, honey?"
"Fine. I got some guy sucking my dick for cheeseburgers to get this card I pulled..."

"Whaaa?" tears commence.

Jay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jay said...

The card isn't very shiny, and numbered to 25 by any chance is it?

beardy said...

I'm not desperately trying to get rid of it, but if I was made an offer I couldn't refuse, we could be parted.

Thanks for not sucking my dick.