Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Summer Baseball Travels (Part 2 of 3: The Land of 10,000 Re*****)

In what will hopefully be the first and only instance of its kind, I am going to have to go ahead with a bit of self-censorship here. While I usually do my best to hide my loathing of all things Minnesota, sometimes the enormity of the hatred becomes too much to bear. Unfortunately, this comes in direct conflict with my desire to maintain civil domestic relations. If you are a frequent reader of this blog, you may remember that my wife is from Minnesota. This entails summer and holiday trips across the border, to a land where the residents cannot for the life of them figure out how to repeal a law forbidding the sale of alcohol on Sundays.

Within this post, I am going to have to censor myself several times through the use of asterisks. This should work well, since most of us will still be able to understand the implied content, while Vikings fans will merely pass over the undecipherable code and focus their energies on sounding out the next word by a trial-and-error series of grunts, sniffs, and alpenhorn-esque bellowings. F****** id****, the whole lot of them.

If you doubt the st***dity of the residents of the state, you may want to consult this very reputable atlas.

Alright, let's get started. While still inside the confines of the Badger State, we stopped to fuel in Lyndon Station, a village with a population of 458 residents and 461 hunting licenses. After making a men's room deposit, I saw a vending machine that I could not resist. My prayers to the Mother of Incarnate MLB Insignia Mary-Catherine had come true. At last, someone found the quickest way to get a dollar out of me. I purchased two caps, but I'm not telling which teams I got until later. You can guess what I got, but even if you guess correctly, you ain't getting shit.

We eventually made it into Minnesota, and I immediately went from being one of the 100,000 or so smartest people in the state to somewhere in the top 5. Based on my ACT score and general ability to think critically and operate a toaster, I now have professor emeritus status at several state universities.

Let's fast forward a bit. I went to the Twins/A's game with the wife's family and several hangers on. The Twins printed several different versions of tickets, but I didn't grab any of the others from my party.

While walking to the stadium, we... aw heck, I'm tired of all this narrative exposition. Just let me show you the pictures of shit.

The view from our seats. My navel, the pitching rubber, and home plate all fell on the same line. I was also in the row directly under the centerfield camera, and had to fight to resist the urge to wreak havoc on the FSN broadcast with a well-hocked loogie.

Out-of-focus statue of Harmon Killebrew, with a complete f****** m***n in the background.

A monument to forced bathroom love.

The one cool thing about Target Field.

The same thing, following the 2-0 victory over Oakland, possibly the most boring game of all-time. Sac fly, meaningless RBI single, in and out in 2:15.

Several times during the night, I was asked what I thought of Target Field. I really didn't have a good answer for anybody, especially they were all looking for a response one would reserve for the Sistine Chapel. It's a stadium like any other. Not much difference between it and any others I have been to. What I should have said was how utterly fucking re****ed the team and the state and its residents must be to have built a stadium without a roof. By the time we got out of the parking garage (don't get me started on that situation), it was pouring fucking rain outside. Had the game had any excitement to speak of and gone a few minutes longer, it would have been rain delay city. From what I've heard, the team has been very fortunate in avoiding rainouts this season, but I have a feeling that will change, considering how shitty April and September can be.

Or, I could have given the ultimate passive-aggresive response to the stadium question: "It's different."

Coming soon: My favorite stadium trip of the summer.


Andrew said...

Whoa I had no idea they still made those mini helmets.

PunkRockPaint said...

I loved this post. L-O-V-E-D.

gcrl said...

from what i gather, most minnesotans feel the same way about wisconsinites. as far as the roof goes, good ol' carl said he wasn't going to pay for it, and hennepin county said they weren't either so there is no roof. or mosquito netting.