Monday, October 11, 2010

October Movie Reviews: Monday Morning Three-Fer

My October horror movie watching has started off kind of slow this year. I attribute the languid pace and sub-par selection to the compulsory round. Much like Olympic-level figure skating, there are a few elements I just have to plow through before I show off the quintuple salchow in the finals. Here is a quick three-shooter for my last few October viewings.

Film: Monster House (2006)
Format: Blu-ray

Comments: While animated, this flick ain't for kids. As you might have gathered, it's the quintessential haunted house tale, with the twist that the house itself is possessed. By watching this movie, I learned where all of the outdoor toys you thought you lost end up, and I was reminded of the horrible next-door neighbors we had on both side of my house for my first eighteen years on Earth.
Do I Recommend This?: Sure, if you want something in-between kiddy faire and scary thrills.

Film: Student Bodies (1981)
Format: DVR (HD)

Comments: I first saw this movie on cable in a hotel room while at a tournament with my high school soccer team. As I recall, this thing took a motherfuck of a long time to make its way to DVD. I recorded it on my DVR bak in June, and finally retrieved this comedy gem last week. Comedy? That's right. Before there was Scary Movie, there was Student Bodies. The golden age of teen slasher flicks was the target of derision this time. If the creators of Airplane! had picked horror as their genre instead of disaster adventure, it might have looked like this. The killer is named "The Breather," and we have access to his inner monologue from time to time.
Do I Recommend This?: Yes, if only for the presence of Malvert, the semi-retarded janitor, whose gangly appearance is unparalleled in the world of cinema. He was played by an actor only known as "The Stick." Look it up, it's true.
Oh, and if you like horsehead bookends, you'll love this movie.

Film: Pandorum (2009)
Format: DVR (HD)

Comments: I recorded this on June 6th this year. In retrospect, I should have deleted it on June 7th. I didn't even make it through the whole thing. With a finite amount of freetime, I didn't hesitate to dump this in the trash.
Did you like Alien? OK, if you did, picture Alien with aliens that look like zombie vampires, and filmed in your basement laundry room with the lights out. Oh, and instead of Sigourney Weaver being the protagonist, it's the highly unlikeable Dennis Quaid. Which hallway in this ship are we gong down, and what is going on? Asking this more than three times in five minutes is a bad sign. My life is now shorter.
Do I Recommend This?: In no uncertain terms, absolutely not!

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