Tuesday, December 21, 2010

2010 Card-vent Calendar: December 21

December 21, 2010:
2006 Upper Deck #308 Gary Sheffield

This card, whether you knew it or not, is a first in two divergent fields: baseball cards and philosophical quantum mechanics. Follow me on this one. First, familiarize yourself with the Schrödinger's Cat thought experiment. Here we have the baseball corollary to the experiment. At the crack of the bat, Sheffield broke for the ball. His vector put him on a collision course with the wall. At the point where Sheffield crossed the warning track, we entered a paradox. Sheffield's shadow split from his body, with both maintaining a path virtually guaranteeing the successful catch of the ball. At the moment of actual glove/shadow glove contact with the ball, it cannot be said with certainty whether it was Sheffield or his shadow that caught the ball.

Experts who studied this card subscribe, by and large, to the many worlds interpretation, wherein exists a simultaneous reality. This interpretation suggests that both possibilities exist at the same time, i.e. Gary Sheffield and his shadow caught the ball. This creates, philosophically, a situation where two distinct realities, one world in which the ball was caught by the man, and one in which it was caught by the shadow.

Enough of the pseudoscientific horsepuckey, let's just get to the real intent of this post: bagging on Gary Sheffield through a series of bullet points.

*According to the Sheffield Corollary to the Schrödinger's Cat theory, millions of Gary Sheffields can exist in millions of distinct realities, but all of them are douches.
*Sheffield's shadow committed suicide in 2007 in a Miami-area hotel room, unable to stand hearing how great Sheffield said he was even one more time.
*If you were to place Gary Sheffield in a box containing a lethal device that may or may not be triggered, with no way of an observer knowing whether or not the lethal device has been activated... where do I sign up to trip that trigger?
*Is that guy a dick or what?

5 comments:

Scott Crawford said...

Say what you want about the guy's personality (people will eventually write many books on the subject), but he played his ass off for the Yankees.

Thorzul said...

Right, he played his ass off in front of the largest market in the country. He was a malcontent in small-market Milwaukee from Day 1 and half-assed everything.

mmmrhubarb said...

I'm pretty sure Schrödinger's thought experiment concerned Andrés Galarraga, not Sheff.

beardy said...

How much weed do you smoke, and where can I get some of that shit?

gcrl said...

there was a brief moment in time, while sheff was with the dodgers, wherein i almost became comfortable with him as a dodger. then he went and demanded a trade or started throwing balls in the stands on purpose or some such dbaggery. a pox on the house of sheffield.