Thursday, December 9, 2010

2010 Card-vent Calendar: December 9

December 9, 2010:
1996 Topps Stadium Club #280

Well, well, well, it appears that whoever designed this year's Card-vent calendar had a total hard-on for Jeff Conine. In this, his second appearance of the season, I'm reminded of a college event that, were I not around to tell and pass on the tale, would have been lost to the ravages of time.

At some point in the 1997-98 academic year, University of Wisconsin Housing hosted a Jeopardy!-style event as a Spirit Week or Welcome Back Celebration or one of those other things where you get a bag of free shit. A very good friend of mine, whom I had known since high school, was playing as a member of his house team, which played against other dorm floors or buildings or whatever. In any case, the game progressed as expected, in a very public forum (a grassy lawn, perhaps, or in what might be considered a "quad"), without anything of note occurring. And then came the fateful clue. The category is long forgotten, but the answer (remember, this is a Jeopardy! format) had something to do with a well-known women's magazine that had some sort of quiz at the end. Now, I had witnessed my friend in high school give some girls a hard time over their already-completed quizzes and answers in this magazine during health class (which, by the way, was taught by Hank Aaron's son, Larry, who, in the chapter on reproduction and childbirth, pronounced the word "umBIBLICAL").

But I digress. My friend's response blew the up-until-then wholesome, Midwestern college spirit event right out of the water:
"What is... like... fuckin'... YM and shit?"

The quizmaster, to say the least, became flustered. My friend's floor was warned about the sudden profanity, but they were given credit for the correct answer.

All this has nothing really to do with Jeff Conine's intentionally goofy card, other than the thought that came into my head: "What are you trying to do, Jeff Conine?" This led to a follow-up question: "Are you supposed to be, like... fuckin'... Ivan Lendl and shit?"

I've opened up the comments section to further speculation on the matter. Whom would you suggest Jeff Conine is trying to be? State your response in the approved format: "Are you supposed to be, like... fuckin' _______________ and shit?" Can't wait for the obscure, yet hilarious tennis references.

11 comments:

SpastikMooss said...

Who is, like... fuckin' Chuck Cedar and shit?

/Sandler'd

smedcards said...

Roscoe Tanner

dayf said...

Are you supposed to be, like... fuckin' Angus Podgorny and shit?

William said...

Are you supposed to be, like...fuckin' 15-love and shit?

Chris Harris said...

Are you supposed to be, like... fuckin' Schlomo Glickstein and shit?

Dan said...

Are you supposed to be, like...fuckin' Yevgeny Kafelnikov and shit?

gcrl said...

are you supposed to be, like...evonne goolagong with her stupid iron poor blood and shit?

--David said...

Are you supposed to be, like, friggin Woody Harrelson actin' like all John McEnroe and crap?!

Todd Uncommon said...

"Are you supposed to be, like... fornicatin'... classy Bill Tilden and fecal matter?"

Teddy Dziuba said...

Sorry - not a hilarious tennis reference, but just wanted to point out that this card is an homage to Jeff's racquetball prowess. Jeff and his wife are world-renowned racquetball players. I remember hearing at one point, he had the record for the world's hardest racquetball serve - over 180 mph

Tony Brown said...

He's obviously no Jeff Tarango.