Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My Secret Shame #9: Super Stickers II

A couple hours ago, word came down that Milwaukee Public Schools are closed for the second consecutive day tomorrow. Such rare times as these must not be wasted. Therefore, you are all getting a special treat tonight. It's been over a year in the making, but you finally get to see the second half of the mega-page, Super Stickers. Let's see what tickled my pickle when my age was still in the single digits.

This page is loaded with oval-shaped Sesame Street characters, the best of which is Cookie Monster. Old CM is clutching a larger-than-normal cookie. If you've never seen it, Dave Chappelle has a great routine that exposes some of the dark alleys and run-down housing projects that make up the seedier parts of Sesame Street.

Another one of my favorite characters from my youth was Uncle Scrooge. If you want to make someone laugh, or at least test whether they have a good sense of humor or not, pepper your conversation with this non sequitur: "Me number one dime." Make sure to do it with a Scottish accent, or that shit won't fly. (And do you have a specific episode of Duck Tales that you remember? Mine is that one with the weird, possibly-escaped-to-South-America-ex-Nazi guy with no shirt who was searching for a large amount of gold opposite Scrooge. I remember his emphysema hacking and that part where the brick bridge he is running on is collapsing. This entire description is from memory and could be really off-base.)

Lee Smith has a dino admirer. Keep in mind that most relief pitcher groupies are from the late Cretaceous period.

World's stupidest cat. Even if you reach that milk, Mr. Snuggles, how do you plan on getting your closed fist out of the bottle? Think harder, you fucking retard.

Aerobic cat. Ugh. It almost hurts to look at this, it's so bad. Certain stickers pinpoint a place and time in our nation's history, but this one highlights our species at its worst. I will try to salvage some respectability by linking to the "Call on Me" video. Mmmmmm, that's much better.

This is the kind of Garbage Pail Kid that gives Garbage Pail Kids a bad name. A nude GPK bathing in a urinal is the type of thing that led to parents' crusades against these stickers in schools. Nasty.

Wow, this is a completely awesome sticker. I have no idea where it came from, but I'm guessing that the 1978 date makes it pretty rare. The star here is Officer Big Mac, one of the lesser-known characters within the McDonaldland mythos. You may best remember Officer Big Mac from the restaurant playgrounds.

He was depicted as a gigantic burger head atop a skinny tube. Claustrophobic children need not enter this apparatus. This was the thing where you entered the central cylinder, scaled a ladder, then exited the cylinder only to find yourself in a cramped, prison-like enclosure. Oh, and if some unsupervised kid decided to climb up after you did and block the exit passageway, you were fucked, and your only way out was to piss your pants and hope that all the other kids clear out. Yeah, bringing this piece of equipment back would be a good idea.

I'll close this post with what has become my favorite sticker on this page. Yes, it's a puffy sticker, but I can already hear you scoffing at the weak-ass dimetrodon. Try this, though. Gather up some of your children or nieces and nephews, buy them one of those buckets o' dinosaurs that dollar stores sell, and have them choose one dinosaur at a time from the dumped out pile, fantasy draft style. Dollars to fucking doughnuts that meat-eating beauty gets selected in the first round like a modern-day Ryan Leaf. How could anyone resist that fan, even more so when they learn that the fan was probably not functional in nature, but acted more as a characteristic of sexual selection. Dimetrodon, you are my rock, and I pledge to choose you first should the situation described above ever arise.

More comments on this post make me more likely to post another page in less than 365 days this time.

9 comments:

BA Benny said...

I'm with you, Dimetrodon rocks!

FanOfReds said...

Dimetrodon is more closely related to us than he is to the actual dinosaurs. Think about that - and then post more awesome sticker pages.

I found my old sticker album over Christmas when I was visiting my parents...and if you think you've got some weird stickers, you should've seen some of the beauties I found...

Anonymous said...

That WWF sticker is the border to a Mr. Fuji and Killer Khan sticker. You tore the border in two. Does that mean you also separated Fuji and Khan? Say it ain't so!

82Redbirds said...

Loved the stickers. Loved the Dave Chappelle routine. LOVED the Call on Me video.

dayf said...

I have that trivia whiz sticker! Only a complete dorky nerd like me would buy a trading card version of trivial pursuit! with maybe two cards worth of trivia questions per pack. And little scratch off color coded circles for picking the trivia category even. Oh gawd, I'm having an '80s flashback nightmare...

Chris Harris said...

Flintheart Glomgold. I think that the name of ol' Scrooge's rival you're thinking of.

Kevin said...

Dimetrodons were especially bad-ass in Dino Riders canon. Do you remember Dino Riders? The riders would ambush their enemies by hiding on mounts on the far side of the fin.

I can't believe you left the Eddie Murray sticker unremarked upon. Then again, Eddie speaks for himself. Not very often, but when he does, you listen.

steve said...

I believe the episode of Duck Tales you are referring to was the multi-part (since a weekday show, I'm going to say 5 part) pilot episode revolving around trying to find a lost city of gold in the Andes. The dude was spanish conquistador who has been kept alive by his "gold fever". There was also a little penguin and giant prehistoric walrus involved since they had to go to Antarctica to find some map piece. Okay, that's enough.


On a side note, walruses and penguins reside on opposite poles of the globe.

Tony Brown said...

Wow, that is a stellar sticker page. You didn't even touch on Eddie Murray's calm, confident stretch (as already noted) or the "Skip It!" sticker. This appears to be some sort of physical fitness push obviously before the inferior toy called "Skip-it". I still don't know if that's a good mantra for kids. Work out? Skip it. Eat your veggies? Skip it. Go to class? Skip it.
Oh and lastly, above Eddie Murray, we have the imprint of a sticker stuck then then taken away. What could it be? Big Bird? Shaggy Angie? Rob Deer? We may never know. Whatever it was, it really startled Uncle Scrooge.