Saturday, February 12, 2011

Ohio State: Faux Good

Today's Wisconsin-Ohio State basketball game just ended, and I feel the need to express something that's been on my mind intermittently over the last few months.


Faux fur.

Faux pas.

Faux leather.

Faux good.

When I was in college, a very good friend of mine pointed out a girl during class and said two incredible words to me: "Faux attractive."
This was a girl who was doing everything in her power to make herself visually appealing. She had the puffy North Face coat so common to girls with low self-esteem at that time. She had a certain amount of makeup on, not an ungodly amount, but enough to notice. Her hair was done up in a tousled, in-a-hurry sort of way that obviously took 45 minutes to do. She was everything a "Cocks" baseball cap wearing frat boy could ever want, but she wasn't fooling the two of us. In other words: Faux attractive.

Ohio State's 2010-2011 basketball team is that girl. Soon after they reached the number one ranking in the wake of several superior teams losing in the first half of the season, I began to see what others couldn't. I spotted the pants Ohio State was wearing with the word "Juicy" on the butt. I caught the gleam of the frosted lipstick they tried to pull off. I inferred the team's undisclosed eating disorder. Ohio State, I instinctively knew, was not worthy to be called the top team in the land. Ohio State is a talented enough team with a lot of victories, but compared to the big dogs of college basketball, they are faux good.

This is not to say my Badgers are better than them, but a bit of perspective is necessary. While I'm no Duke supporter by any means, I think that's the type of team you have to look at this year if you're looking for a championship template. A better example might be Kansas. Heck, Pitt would mop the floor with them. I'm not going to pretend to be able to predict this year's Final Four, but I will say that OSU doesn't belong.

In the interest of fairness, I want to take a look at each Big Ten school in the major sports (football and basketball) and deliver a gut reaction assessment of the program, looking at the last 20 years or so.

Ohio State: Faux good.
Wisconsin: Good, but never going to be truly great.
Michigan: Classic, always a threat to be good. They will wake up soon.
Michigan State: Often good, but annoying as shit.
Iowa: Confused, pretends to be good on occasion.
Indiana: Good, only if sweaters are involved.
Purdue: Stuck in that sunken floor.
Illinois: Sometimes good, but not really in the Illinois part of Illinois. Closer to Kentucky.
Northwestern: Smart, but horrible.
Penn State: Best years behind them, with terrible eyesight.
Minnesota: Awful, just awful. Ugliest colors in sports.

The Big Ten, sadly to say, just isn't that strong of a conference any more, and Ohio State's competition needs to be taken into account.


All hate mail comments can be directed to Bo Ryan, c/o Thorzul Will Rule.

3 comments:

Nathan said...

Well, you might be right in saying that OSU isn't the best team in the country, but I think they can play with anyone and I do think that they can go deep in the tourney.

Sorry to burst your bubble but...

...the bucks are faux real.

the sewingmachineguy said...

Dude in a "Cocks" hat... so good.
How is it that you're trailing The Junkie for a Gummie? You built a set from donations for Pete's sake!

Axemanohio said...

C'mon man. Buck's beat Kansas in the big game. Gooooo Buckeyessssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!