Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Six Shirts That Achieved World Peace

While looking for Robin Yount merchandise the other day, I happened upon the T-shirt that might one day cure childhood leukemia. Gentlemen... BEHOLD!!!

Good... GOD, that is an awesome shirt! If it could achieve the right amount of sentience, that T-shirt would indubitably create a more elegant, more succinct solution to Fermat's Last Theorem. After that, it would get a job at your place of employment, get all of its work done faster than you, then race home to have its way with your wife. Finally, it would talk circles around a preppy, ponytailed Harvard student, ask the pretty dark-haired English girl to a date at the novelty store for a handful of caramels, then break her heart by telling her he doesn't love her. No ambiguous ending this time, though: That drive off into the sunset will soon make a right turn for a quick trip to the batting cages. This shirt owns you. How 'bout them apples?

I could torture you by keeping the proprietor selling this shirt a secret, but that goes against all that I stand for. You can find it at Foot Locker. And fear not: If Rockin' Robin isn't your cup of tea, you have five other legends to choose from. Let's take a look at the smorgasbord, shall we?

The Hawk.
Just look at that caterpillar between the mouth and nose! Eugene Levy called, he wants his eyebrows back.

The Wizard of Oz.
I prefer my Ozzie Smith with more closely cropped hair, but the early-model edition is nice as well.

Michael Jack Schmidt.
Check the flowage of that moustache. Artist and display stores would fork over good money for such bountiful bristliness. Those hairs can cause a tickly feeling between a woman's legs from a distance up to and including six meters.

At first glance, my brain told me this was Johan Santana. Stupid brain. Great shirt, but just don't agree to get into the restroom of a Minneapolis-area steakhouse chain with it. You'll regret that.

Mr. October.
The glasses are kind of cheating for this hair-and-cap silhouette concept, but I'll let it slide. Until I hit three home runs in a World Series game, I'm keeping my big mouth shut.

Nike needs a few more of these. Off the top of my head:
Al Hrabosky
Bruce Sutter
Rollie, of course
Oscar Gamble
And what the heck... Eck!


Nathan said...

OMG, those shirts are badass. Also, I agree; the first thing I thought of was that they need to make a Rollie ASAP.

Grand Cards said...

There are actually more than 6--and there is a Rollie, I believe--these first popped up last month and Nike sold out of many of them FAST. It looks like the Yount is a new one.

Also, the Cub is Fergie Jenkins, not Dawson.

dayf said...

If they do the Mad Hungarian in a Braves cap I shall buy 100 and wear that shirt exclusively for the rest of my life.

Retrofan said...

Wade Boggs, Don Mattingly, 2004 Johnny Damon would be shirts that would be nice additions to this line.

Thorzul said...

Actually, Grand Cards, the product information lists it as Andre Dawson. However, I can see how one might think it was Fergie.

Grand Cards said...

I think foot locker has their information wrong, or Nike originally sent the wrong info: unless it's a different shirt, Nike originally confirmed this as Jenkins http://yfrog.com/gze2tp

Also, there are many more cool ones (including eck, an A's Reggie Jackson etc.) on the Nike Site: http://store.nike.com/us/en_us/?sitesrc=uslp&l=shop,search,searchList-cooperstown%2520heritage

Thorzul said...

Yeah, you're probably right. Looks like Foot Locker got it wrong.

Grand Cards said...

That said, Hawk would have been a better choice, IMO

Charles @ Hoopography said...

Those are sick. Another item to add to the want list.

Candy said...

Bake McBride

Retrofan said...

McBride? You mean Kenny Powers from East Bound and Down?

Eric L said...

I'll take a bakers dozen of each shirt please. And I imagine that the universe would implode from awesomeness if Charlie Sheen showed up on a talk show wearing one of these shirts.