Sunday, April 10, 2011

Meat Fiction

An ode to the first tailgate session of 2011, I present... "Meat Fiction."

JULES
Just hang in there, baby, you're
doing' great, Ringo's proud of you
and so am I. It's almost over,
(to Pumpkin)
Now I want you to look on that plate
and find my hamburger.

PUMPKIN
Which one is it?

JULES
It's the one that says Bad
Motherfucker on it.

(Pumpkin looks on the plate and -- sure enough -- there's a
hamburger with "Bad Motherfucker" written on it in mustard.)

JULES
That's my bad motherfucker. Now
slice it open and check out the bleu cheese.

JULES
How much is in there?

PUMPKIN
About two ounces.

JULES
Put it in your belly, it's yours.
Now with the rest of them hamburgers
and the grill, that makes this a
pretty successful little score.

VINCENT
Jules, if you give this nimrod
all those hamburgers, I'm gonna
shoot 'em on general principle.

JULES
You ain't gonna do a goddamn thing,
now hang back and shut the fuck up.
Besides, I ain't givin' it to him.
I'm buyin' somethin' with these burgers.
Wanna know what I'm buyin' Ringo?

PUMPKIN
What?

JULES
Your life. I'm givin' you this delicious burger so I don't hafta kill your
ass. You read the Bible?

PUMPKIN
Not regularly.

JULES
There's a passage I got memorized.
Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the
righteous man is beset on all sides
by the inequities of the selfish
and the tyranny of evil men.
Blessed is he who, in the name of
charity and good will, shepherds
the weak through the valley of the
darkness. For he is truly his
brother's keeper and the finder of
lost children.
And I will strike down upon thee
with great vengeance and furious
anger those who attempt to poison
and destroy my brothers. And you
will know I am the Lord when I lay
my vengeance upon you."

Pass the ketchup.

2 comments:

White Sox Cards said...

Brilliant and delicious!

The Angels In Order said...

Ah but beware...

When you sit to dine with a ruler,
note well what is before you,
and put a knife to your throat
if you are given to gluttony.
Do not crave his delicacies,
for that food is deceptive.

Prov 23:1-3

Fittingly my word verification is "diner"