Monday, November 14, 2011

Nightmares on Cardboard IV: Grand Prize Winner


Back when it was actually still October, I received a package in the mail from southern California. I haven't been the same since. Here is this year's winning entry from... PunkRockPaint!

First thing in the envelope... a mysterious box. It purports to contain an assortment of some of the greatest baseball cards ever created... and then lost. Will these be to baseball cards what London After Midnight is to film? And how much better would the experience be if John Larroquette were reading the text on the box?

Inside the box, a pack of 1986 Fleer. "Not rare at all," you say?

And before we get to the contents of the pack, we find a card of more recent vintage, a Fleer Classic Clippings card, complete with police reports form the Philadelphia Inquirer from 1985.

Oooh, serial numbered 0666/1985!
The copy tells the story of the cards you are about to see: "On a dark and stormy Halloween night, A small group of Unemployed zombies stormed the Fleer Corporate offices in Philadelphia. They took control of the design department for several hours, creating custom baseball cards. An extremely limited quantity of the cards were leaked to the public in wax packs."

It's time to sink our teeth into this pack. I'll let the cards tell the story from here on out.

#631 Don Baylor Super Star Special "Ouch!"

Meannesota Evil Twins Sticker / Roger Clemens Famous Frights

#636 Coleman & McGee Super Star Special "Carcass Ignitors"

Baltimore Poe Boys Sticker / Albert Pujols Famous Frights

Fleer All Star Team #1 Freddy Krueger

St. Louis Carcasses / Don Mossi Famous Frights

#284 Cal Raven, Jr.

Meatwaukee Chainsaw / Satchel Paige Famous Frights

#185 Frank Stein

Pittsburgh Zombie Pirates Sticker / Mickey Mantle Famous Frights

#396 Freaky Hatcher

#471 Spiked Owen

Boston Stranglers Sticker / Dmitri Young Famous Frights

Absolutely. Fucking. Amazing.

I had a few separate "Oh My God" moments, but I think it came down to the Poe Boys, Carcasses, and Stranglers stickers and the Don Mossi Famous Frights that made this entry the clear winner. I think this group even surpasses PRP's 2008 entry (although the Orlok is still my all-time favorite), and moves into a dead heat for Condition: Poor's 2009 submission. Great artistry, attention to detail (Just look at the MLB logo. I'll bet you missed it the first time through.), and a superior sense of humor. I think Mrs. Thorzul laughed the most at Freaky Hatcher, and I loved the thought of an undead/immortal Satchel Paige.

Let's show him what he's won.
First, PunkRockPaint will be getting a complete set of 2007 Topps Baseball cards. This factory set was found in a huge lot of cards I bought earlier this year. Seeing as I'd already built this set, I decided to make it part of the Grand Prize. I failed to find the rookie variations cards while collating the set, so I guess the previous owner kept those for himself. This set includes the Derek Jeter card without the Mantle/Bush "error," which has ironically become harder to find in its corrected form.

Assuming PRP already has the 2007 set (many of us do), I'm also including a couple of extras, the first of which is a 2008 Upper Deck Spectrum Joey Allen AUTO I recently pulled from one of the worst hobby boxes of all time. I had to check, since his genre wasn't exactly my thing, but Joey Allen was the lead guitarist of the legendary Cock Rock group, Warrant. Now, I realize that his name is PunkRockPaint, not CockRockPaint, but perhaps he can give this one a good home.

The final element of the prize is a DVD of PRP's choice. From right to left, he may choose from:
A. "Monsters and Madmen" Double Feature - The Brain That Wouldn't Die and Beast of Yucca Flats (two passable public domain features I already have in a box set)
B. FeardotCom, a film that mistakenly assumes that Stephen Dorff is in any way, shape, or form a leading man
C. A disc-only copy of Saw II that somehow made its way into the used copy of Saw III I bought last month

Congratulations, PunkRockPaint! And thank you to all who made this year's Nightmares on Cardboard a success. (And yes, I do realize we're technically closer to Thanksgiving now than Halloween. Next year will not be called Nightmares From a Horn O' Plenty.)

10 comments:

Tony Brown said...

Damn, these cards are SICK! It's hard to pick a fave, but if I had to, I'd go with the Vince Coleman/Willie McGee Carcasses card. Also love "Mickey Mantle was a vampire."

SpastikMooss said...

SWEEEEEEEEET! I love the Mossi most of all, so hilarious. But they're definitely all good. And he's gotta pick the two feature DVD as a prize...I love the brain that wouldn't die.

Also I somehow missed dayf's thankskilling entry but damn...so good. Thankskilling might be the best movie on all of netflix, other than phantasm 2 of course.

cynicalbuddha said...

Absolutely freaking awesome. The "Did you knows" are what did it for me. Cal Raven Jr. Flies around the bases but is easily distracted by shiny object, absolutely hilarious.

PunkRockPaint said...

Thanks! I had fun making these cards.

I don't like skerry movies, so I'll pass on those. I'd take any Bip Roberts cards you have, though...

PunkRockPaint said...

It gets a little lost, but my favorite part is on the Classic Clippings card.

"West Phila. - 10/31 5:10pm - Reported trouble causing outside of school, near basketball courts"

My little nod to the Fresh Prince of Bel Aire.

carlsonjok said...

I bow at the feet of The Master.

dayf said...

The Don Mossi card is the greatest thing ever. Take the Double Feature DVD! Tor Johnson is not scary, he's HILARIOUS. I have this one, trust me on this.

Spankee said...

Awesome.

The Angels In Order said...

"The zombie corpse of Satchel Paige hurled 16 shutouts in 1998."
GENIUOS!

PunkRockPaint said...

Okay... I'll take the double feature DVD.