Tuesday, December 13, 2011

My Secret Shame #10: Stickers With Style

Holy crap, I am going nuts waiting for the group break cards to arrive. I checked the mailbox today, and all that was there was the rec department catalog. If the lot doesn't arrive by tomorrow, that seller is getting an effing earful! To tide us all over, I've decided to share another page from the sticker book

Cursive-esque writing, checkerboard motif, and a shade of orange that would make Satan cringe... this page hits the '80s sweet spot right between Punky Brewster and Blossom. Let's check out some of the stars of the "Stickers with Style" page.

If you have to choose a leadoff batter, you really can't go wrong with Pedo-Clown. He just got out of jail, he hasn't been added to the local predators list quite yet, and Joey's got a birthday party next week. Everything's looking up for Pedo-Clown. I believe this sticker is from one of those kits where you get 50,000 blank stickers to color in with six markers that last no longer than an afternoon.

At some point during my childhood, I must have passed a test where 75% of the correct answers had something to do with turning off the faucet when you're brushing your teeth. The Energy Wizard's magic is strong, but is subject to rolling blackouts.

Ugh, this has to be the worst sticker in my entire collection. What kind of sick manufacturer produces a sticker of a brown high-top shoe? Surely we had arrived at a point in human evolution where even the poorest children wouldn't be even remotely amused by a sticker featuring a shoe, even if it is a high-top. "Look at those noble laces," exclaimed Jimmy. Nope, I ain't seeing it happen.

White reindeer, blue horns, "Have a Merry..." That's three strikes right there. You're out, Rudolph. Note to self: When starting a sticker company, invest in more than four colors of ink.

I think these Ghostbusters stickers are from one of those square-format books from Troll Book Order that came with a bunch of stickers. Being the juvenile stickler for consistency that I was, I can just about guarantee you that the layout of Peter, Ray, Egon, and Slimer was exactly the same on this page as it was on the sticker sheet. That's just how I rolled.

Santa Camptosaurus, yes! I remember the Santa hat coming from a sheet of stickers that came from an insert from a magazine advertisement for some sort of hard liquor. I'm guessing my mom nixed the sticking of any of the bottle-shaped stickers from that ad, so I had to settle for the stocking cap. It was probably something like Johnnie Walker, but I'd like to pretend it was Glenlivet. Plant-eater or not, Camptosaurus settles for nothing less than name-brand Scotch.

No research necessary to figure out who this dino-chef is: That's T-Rex of the Dinersaurs, a Ralston-Purina cereal from the '80s which attempted to cash in on kids' enthusiasm for both dinosaurs and blue-collar dining establishments. I probably took a lot of ridicule for including the name from the sticker border aside the sticker proper, but cultural anthropology must never be scoffed at. Look who's having the last laugh now, hypothetical bitches from the past!

I take back what I said about the shoe sticker earlier. This is the worst sticker ever. An orange-faced viking with a brown, orange, and yellow color scheme on a hot-air balloon? Clearly this was the winning entry in some sort of Depress-the-Audience-With-a-Sticker contest.

Clearly, not the best page in the book, but there's more to come.

3 comments:

FanOfReds said...

Every time you post one of these I:
A. Laugh (a lot)
B. Think I should head over to my parents and dig up my sticker book. I'm 90% certain I know right where it is...
and then:
C. Decide I'd need to send the book to you in order to have proper posts done about my sticker choices.

dayf said...

I don't care about brown shoes, balloon vikings or pedoclowns.

HOLY SHIT GHOSTBUSTERS STICKERS

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BILL MURRAY STICKER

best sticker page in existence right there.

Tony Brown said...

Where's Winston?