Sunday, June 24, 2012

Completion: Individuals Who May or May Not Be Real

Patience was required in order to obtain a fair price on each of these, but I finally finished the 2010 Topps Allen & Ginter Creatures of Legend, Myth, & Joy mini insert set. The last one I obtained was the Goldilocks card, which, curiously enough, almost doesn't feature her in the picture. (She's way in the background as the bears steal the show.) I wish these fit better into the 15-card sheet. There was supposed to be a tenth card, The Little Engine That Could, but it was never produced.

In order to flesh this out into a full article, I'm going to take a look at each of these creatures and derive the probability that each one exists. These results are based on irrefutable facts and can will hold up to scrutiny in a court of law.

1. Santa Claus - 100%
Come on, where do all of those presents come from?

2. The Easter Bunny - 12%
I'd cite the argument above, but there are a few things that don't add up. Easter is Wisconsin is usually a frigid, miserable affair. Little girls show up at Sunday Mass wearing their Easter best under a thick winter coat. The Easter Bunny would fail to thrive in the harsh climates of the northern latitudes. Also, the gestation period of most egg-laying bunnies is long enough to prohibit the manufacture of the number of eggs required for the North American secular believers.

3. The Tooth Fairy - 0.0005%
Here's a true story among the lies I've told in this post. Early on in the school year, a fellow third grade teacher was delivering a lecture on myths and accidentally "outed" the Tooth Fairy as being among the ranks of the make believe. At least one mortified child went home and told their parents, who in turn called the principal. She was given a light-hearted talking to by the principal and was more careful for the rest of the year.

4. Goldilocks - 93%
Blond girl oblivious to her surroundings? I'd buy that for a dollar.

5. Red Riding Hood - 28%
There are a lot of weird overtones in her story. Lots of hopping into and out of beds, the color red, the stock good huntsman character... I don't know quite what to make of it, but I still ain't wasting my time seeing the Amanduh Say-fried movie version, thank you very much.

6. Paul Bunyan - 96%
There be-eth a god, thy name was McGwire, chieftain of the Brothers Bash. He swingeth a large stick, and with it felled three score and ten. Babe, the large green elephant accompanieth him. The common man henceforth believeth not his feats and sayeth such were tainted by foul poison.

7. Jack and the Beanstalk - 50%
We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the most remote areas of the Amazon, and I'n not putting a plant that can grow into the clouds past Mother Nature.

8. Peter Pan - 0%
Believable cult leader-ish behaviors aside, no boy has ever desired what Peter Pan wanted most, at least in the same way. Sure, none of us want to grow up, but none of these dreams involve missing shadows, elven shoes, or flying fairies.

9. The Three Little Pigs - 76%
The story of this trio is perfect for a series of insurance commercials, don't you think? I feel that AFLAC should jump all over this. They've already used a duck, a gecko, cavemen, and a silent pile of money with googly eyes. Just wait for the story to come out later this year about a neighborhood of homes terrorized by wolves being declared a federal disaster area. Just you wait.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Douchersons

i've had this image on my desktop for several weeks now, and it's time to share. What you're looking at is a Target circular ad from a Sunday newspaper. These things are always regional in nature, and thus the sporting apparel advertisements always contain a wide array of teams. This manufactured variety creates photo situations which probably wouldn't exist in real life. Team allegiances run too deep for this to take place outside of a staged ad. But what if this was a real family…?

Let's start with the patriarch. Dad is a Doucherson who truly lives up to the family name. He'd never been at a Twins game until Target field had been constructed, despite living in Minnetonka his entire life. His dad's on the board of directors at Pillsbury, and he manages to fuck up at least once per day at his cushy job that daddy got him. Ask him to name anyone from the 1987 or 1991 World Series teams, and he can't get past Puckett. Fake-ass polo-wearing bitch.

Mom isn't much better. She's just airing for the old man to keel over so she can get some of that sweet doughboy money, yet she's too stupid to hide her true allegiance to the Cubs. As a long-suffering fan, she can't help being attracted to losers. Check that left hand, folks.
No wedding ring. On the average weekday afternoon she leaves the kids with her sister and boards the Megabus on a southeasterly course. If you get to a Cubbies day game, take a peek up and down the alleyways in close proximity to Waveland. If you're lucky, get a glimpse of this unfaithful minx on all fours with a mouthful of cock.

The daughter has some early-emerging daddy issues, as she eschews the team of her father in favor of the Cards. A bandwagoneer at heart, she will, for the rest of her natural life, don the garb of the most recent champion in a futile attempt to earn daddy's love.

The douchy son is probably the worst of all. Yeah, he's clearly the smartest one in his family on the basis of his Brewers fandom, but all of that cred flies out the window when his pillow pet is taken into consideration. Following in his father's footsteps, he has yet to experience a dry night of sleep. Yes, Bernie smells like piss. It's difficult to know which will scar him for a longer period of time: getting the shit beat out of him at school on a daily basis, or the shame of having a father who's a cuckolded Twins fan.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Edgar Diaz: Milwaukee Rich

As you can plainly see.

Milwaukee Rich is kind of like hood rich, but with a few differences.

Hood Rich: Escalade in your momma's name
Milwaukee Rich: Fully paid-for 1984 Renault Alliance

Hood Rich: Gator boots, pimped out Gucci suit
Milwaukee Rich: Head-to-toe Farm & Fleet, lookin' sweet

Hood Rich: Drinkin' that Hen
Milwaukee Rich: 2-for-1 Schlitz 8 oz. tappers

You catch my drift. Edgar Diaz, man, he was making that sweet baseball money, he even got the tricked out Brew Crew shades. Seriously, those were not available to the general public. Mike Felder had to co-sign the promissory note just so he could get them. Diaz was so fly that his nickname was "Kiki," and I didn't even need to read the back of the card to tell you that.

Damn, I love the summer. Posts that go nowhere, but it don't even matter.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

It's Fucking Hot Out

Scott Scudder is feeling it, but he knows how to beat the heat.

He's way ahead of the game, actually. Here's a list of Every Possible Use For a Towel, and covering one's head and neck from the sun isn't even on it.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Baby + Cards = FUN!

Getting into the '88 Donruss... pretty nasty stuff, if you ask me.