Sunday, June 24, 2012

Completion: Individuals Who May or May Not Be Real

Patience was required in order to obtain a fair price on each of these, but I finally finished the 2010 Topps Allen & Ginter Creatures of Legend, Myth, & Joy mini insert set. The last one I obtained was the Goldilocks card, which, curiously enough, almost doesn't feature her in the picture. (She's way in the background as the bears steal the show.) I wish these fit better into the 15-card sheet. There was supposed to be a tenth card, The Little Engine That Could, but it was never produced.

In order to flesh this out into a full article, I'm going to take a look at each of these creatures and derive the probability that each one exists. These results are based on irrefutable facts and can will hold up to scrutiny in a court of law.

1. Santa Claus - 100%
Come on, where do all of those presents come from?

2. The Easter Bunny - 12%
I'd cite the argument above, but there are a few things that don't add up. Easter is Wisconsin is usually a frigid, miserable affair. Little girls show up at Sunday Mass wearing their Easter best under a thick winter coat. The Easter Bunny would fail to thrive in the harsh climates of the northern latitudes. Also, the gestation period of most egg-laying bunnies is long enough to prohibit the manufacture of the number of eggs required for the North American secular believers.

3. The Tooth Fairy - 0.0005%
Here's a true story among the lies I've told in this post. Early on in the school year, a fellow third grade teacher was delivering a lecture on myths and accidentally "outed" the Tooth Fairy as being among the ranks of the make believe. At least one mortified child went home and told their parents, who in turn called the principal. She was given a light-hearted talking to by the principal and was more careful for the rest of the year.

4. Goldilocks - 93%
Blond girl oblivious to her surroundings? I'd buy that for a dollar.

5. Red Riding Hood - 28%
There are a lot of weird overtones in her story. Lots of hopping into and out of beds, the color red, the stock good huntsman character... I don't know quite what to make of it, but I still ain't wasting my time seeing the Amanduh Say-fried movie version, thank you very much.

6. Paul Bunyan - 96%
There be-eth a god, thy name was McGwire, chieftain of the Brothers Bash. He swingeth a large stick, and with it felled three score and ten. Babe, the large green elephant accompanieth him. The common man henceforth believeth not his feats and sayeth such were tainted by foul poison.

7. Jack and the Beanstalk - 50%
We haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the most remote areas of the Amazon, and I'n not putting a plant that can grow into the clouds past Mother Nature.

8. Peter Pan - 0%
Believable cult leader-ish behaviors aside, no boy has ever desired what Peter Pan wanted most, at least in the same way. Sure, none of us want to grow up, but none of these dreams involve missing shadows, elven shoes, or flying fairies.

9. The Three Little Pigs - 76%
The story of this trio is perfect for a series of insurance commercials, don't you think? I feel that AFLAC should jump all over this. They've already used a duck, a gecko, cavemen, and a silent pile of money with googly eyes. Just wait for the story to come out later this year about a neighborhood of homes terrorized by wolves being declared a federal disaster area. Just you wait.

4 comments:

jaybarkerfan said...

I don't know if I have shared this before but here goes. Posts like this are why your blog is THE SHIT!

Just had to drop some profanity in there to make my point.

My favorite read. Keep it up!!

Thorzul said...

A sincere THANK YOU, jaybarkerfan.

Chris Harris said...

I'LL BUY THAT FOR A DOLLAR!!!

Nathan said...

Nice, I don't think I'll ever be able to put together that set...that's why I love blogs, so I can live vicariously through your collections