Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Douchersons

i've had this image on my desktop for several weeks now, and it's time to share. What you're looking at is a Target circular ad from a Sunday newspaper. These things are always regional in nature, and thus the sporting apparel advertisements always contain a wide array of teams. This manufactured variety creates photo situations which probably wouldn't exist in real life. Team allegiances run too deep for this to take place outside of a staged ad. But what if this was a real family…?

Let's start with the patriarch. Dad is a Doucherson who truly lives up to the family name. He'd never been at a Twins game until Target field had been constructed, despite living in Minnetonka his entire life. His dad's on the board of directors at Pillsbury, and he manages to fuck up at least once per day at his cushy job that daddy got him. Ask him to name anyone from the 1987 or 1991 World Series teams, and he can't get past Puckett. Fake-ass polo-wearing bitch.

Mom isn't much better. She's just airing for the old man to keel over so she can get some of that sweet doughboy money, yet she's too stupid to hide her true allegiance to the Cubs. As a long-suffering fan, she can't help being attracted to losers. Check that left hand, folks.
No wedding ring. On the average weekday afternoon she leaves the kids with her sister and boards the Megabus on a southeasterly course. If you get to a Cubbies day game, take a peek up and down the alleyways in close proximity to Waveland. If you're lucky, get a glimpse of this unfaithful minx on all fours with a mouthful of cock.

The daughter has some early-emerging daddy issues, as she eschews the team of her father in favor of the Cards. A bandwagoneer at heart, she will, for the rest of her natural life, don the garb of the most recent champion in a futile attempt to earn daddy's love.

The douchy son is probably the worst of all. Yeah, he's clearly the smartest one in his family on the basis of his Brewers fandom, but all of that cred flies out the window when his pillow pet is taken into consideration. Following in his father's footsteps, he has yet to experience a dry night of sleep. Yes, Bernie smells like piss. It's difficult to know which will scar him for a longer period of time: getting the shit beat out of him at school on a daily basis, or the shame of having a father who's a cuckolded Twins fan.


Spankee said...

While I agree with your assessment, I can't get past the $9 frisbee. What a ripoff.

jacobmrley said...

Wow. Harsh. Awesome, but harsh.

Anonymous said...

Say what you will, but those folks are my neighbors and they're A-OK in my book. I love going next door and dunking on their 7-ft rim.

Jeff Wilk said...

A Cubs mom with a Cards daughter. Good to know Target is really up on rivalries. How about the back to school ad has a married couple, one in a Michigan T and the other in an Ohio State hoodie?

Anonymous said...