Sunday, September 9, 2012

My Secret Shame #11: Tasty

It might be the real first day of the NFL season (with the possibility of several balls in the air at once, unlike that opening mid-week game), but today is going to be all about stickers. History has taught us that sticker-based economies, at least according to Keynesian Theory, are almost inevitably doomed to failure. Today, though, the Sticker Standard is in place for this principality.

Only tasty things were allowed on this page. The mascots of tastiness, Lord Ice Cream Sandwich and the Duke of Cupcake, set the bar high for this endeavor. Let's see how I did.

Okay, I shit the bed with this first one. This may be the most unappetizing hamburger of the twentieth century. Red, pock-marked beef and sesame seeds that somehow migrated to the bottom bun portion kick things off unimaginably wrongly. The sandwich is complete with the addition of Sally's LikeFresh Lettuce: The Lettuce that Drips to each story of this triple-decker monstrosity. Thanks, but I'll pass.

This gumball machine came from a sheet of stickers that all had my name on them. I remember this as one of the biggest and most valuable stickers on the sheet, with a net worth rivaling that of several of the Windward Caribbean nations.

This happy hot dog effectively presaged the arrival of Meatwad some twenty years later. If I found a smiling igloo-made-of-meat sticker from back in the day, I would really freak out.

Blech. Piss-poor compared to that last hot dog. A magenta sausage with some orange bile spread on it? And a shake with a bendy straw at an obtuse angle? And just look at that straw... where is the bottom half of it supposed to be going? That straw is all out of shake real estate. Unless... and this is a big unless... unless this is so-rare-as-to-be-unheard-of triple bendy straw. But that's just preposterous, science is still billions of R&D dollars and decades away from such a feat.

I think we've found it. This has to be the best sticker in my collection. A British chap out for a stroll, this Limey is not to be trifled with. Monocle? Check. Bowler? Check. The small size of the sticker prevents the inclusion of too much detail, but I think it's safe to say that culottes are covering those legs. Culottes? Check. A perfect sticker in every way, I once used this as collateral to secure a small-business loan.

The Lemon Drop is also pretty good, but the lack of a reference point hurts its overall value. Is the lemon dropping from a precipitous height? We just can't tell, despite the motion lines and crotch bow.

And let's say goodbye to this page with a Christmas mint. As far as holiday candies go, this falls close to the bottom. But those Brach's soft mints with the Christmas tree shape in the middle, those are the bomb. Make a sticker with that on it, and you've got a customer for life. Or, at the very least, someone who will sample one form the bulk bin without paying.

Enjoy today's oblate spheroid sporting contests! (Unless you are a 49ers fan.)

1 comment:

Fuji said...

I love scratch n' sniff stickers. When I was a kid (can't remember the specific grade), I'd study especially hard for spelling tests, so I could earn one of these.

Ironically... I've never used them in my classroom. I guess I don't want my students to be distracted like I was.