Sunday, September 23, 2012

Pack Bust: 1992 Topps Batman Returns

A couple of weeks ago, I received a package from a reader named Jesse. He discovered Thorzul Will Rule through a nostalgic pop culture site we both have frequented for quite a few years. He mentioned in an earlier email that he had a few Brewers cards from the junk wax era he was looking to get rid of, and I told him I'd give them a good home.

Surprisingly, when the package arrived, it contained a bunch of (seven, to be exact) packs of non-sports cards. The package gets an A for variety, but I'm starting with one of the most popular ones first. In all honesty, the '80s-'90s Batman movies weren't my very favorite. It might even be a dirty little secret of mine that I haven't ever seen 1989's Batman. I may have taken part in a kids' art camp at Mount Mary College that summer, but the kid sitting at my table singing "Batdance" made me want to punch him in the face more than I wanted to hum along. True story. (I was equally mystified by the twin brothers who made a papier-mâché robot which they claimed was something out of Big Trouble in Little China. If that week's theme would have been Ass Kicking rather than Outer Space, there'd be a few more motherfuckers walking around with a permanent limp for the past 23 years.)
Batman Returns, however, I have seen, but not since it was in the theatres. I can tell you about the five or so things I remember.
1. "Meow."
2. A big duck.
3. God Walken as Max Schreck.
4. Darkness.
5. My dad after the movie was over: "Did he really have to bite the guy's nose off?"
That's as far as I can go with the film, so...

Let's tear in.

Top to Bottom:
#J Stadium Club "Batmissle"
These actually had their own 100-card set but came as a one-per-pack insert in Topps proper.
41 Night Watchers
Looking at this after Nolan's trilogy makes me want to laugh, point, and declare, "How quaint."
34 Gotham's Unlikely Hero
The lumpiness in Penguin's crotchal area is totally out of whack. There's room for a diaper, some wadded up cash, and a flaccid, fishy erection.
45 Only Eight Lives Left...
More of a woman than Hathaway in every way.
63 Back to the Depths
The backs of these are very cool, even though the card stock screams "Fleer" in the absence of the rougher, typical Topps stock.  Makes sense, though, with the change that took place in 1992 baseball stock.
7 Master of the Lower Depths
Two cards in a row about depths.  I ain't showing it, but you can sense the depressing themes present in this movie.
6 Nightmare as a Child
More depression.
25 The Fire Breather Aflame
47 The Plan to Destroy Batman
Well, that's the pack.  We have a bunch of other ones to look forward to if this didn't get you moist and tingly.

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