Another school Valentine's Day celebration has come and gone, and I'm still alive. I don't think I can count the number of teachers who came up to me today and ran down the list of the most difficult teaching days: "Halloween, day before Christmas Break, day before Spring Break..." In the end, I got to come home with a goodie bag full of junk. Not pictured here is the candy I received, including a Fun Dip. I mean, c'mon, FUN DIP! The thing where you lick a piece of candy and stick it into better, more flavorful candy. It's not just a coincidence it bears more than a passing resemblance to cocaine.
On that note, let's start checking out the Valentines I received from my students this year.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I believe I've said it before that Donatello is the pretentious person's pick for favorite turtle. Was last year one of those years where a TMNT thing came out in wide release? That happens every other year or so now, right?
Another thing that just hangs on, year after year.
Heartbreakingly generic. Are there 50-cent stores, because I can't see this line of Valentines being sold at even your typical dollar store. My only hope is that these were bought between the hours of 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. this morning. It would crush me to think that a child willingly chose these over something like Spider-man or My Little Pony.
Yeah, the teacher-specific Valentine! And there was a sucker that I'll never eat in it. Score!
If you haven't watched it yet, you owe it to yourself to watch the YouTube video I posted last year, "The Griffin and the Tearin'."
Hello Kitty 2
No part of Hello Kitty it not expressionless. There's a void there where a should should be. Tread lightly around her.
Manic and unlicensed, two qualities I look for in a V-Day card.
Pile of shitty purple hairiness hands rose bouquet to pink cat. I have no idea what is going on here, nor do I wish to find out because I will undoubtedly be let down. This rather large card is from the girl who is new to the class as of a few weeks ago. She's from Arizona and is super nice and relaxed, lacking all of the trauma that most kids in the school possess after living most of their lives in the shit-ass parts of Milwaukee. Maybe this card depicts something more popular in the American southwest?
Let's look at the opposite side to see if we can gather any more clues.
Nope, nothing clarified here. Now we've moved on to candy castles guarded by living cupcakes and doughnuts. I want this to be an actual thing, but I'm cautious, as the inevitable letdown when I find out these are nothing more than an artist's one-time-only Valentine's Day creation is too much for me to withstand. As the poster in Agent Mulder's office reads, "I want to believe," but dare I?
Happy Valentine's Day, one and all. Tomorrow I'm smoking ribs all day, as I am wont to do.