Friday, February 13, 2015

Valentine's Day Card Haul 2015

Another school Valentine's Day celebration has come and gone, and I'm still alive. I don't think I can count the number of teachers who came up to me today and ran down the list of the most difficult teaching days: "Halloween, day before Christmas Break, day before Spring Break..." In the end, I got to come home with a goodie bag full of junk. Not pictured here is the candy I received, including a Fun Dip. I mean, c'mon, FUN DIP! The thing where you lick a piece of candy and stick it into better, more flavorful candy. It's not just a coincidence it bears more than a passing resemblance to cocaine.

On that note, let's start checking out the Valentines I received from my students this year.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I believe I've said it before that Donatello is the pretentious person's pick for favorite turtle. Was last year one of those years where a TMNT thing came out in wide release? That happens every other year or so now, right?

Spongebob

Another thing that just hangs on, year after year.

Starfish

Heartbreakingly generic. Are there 50-cent stores, because I can't see this line of Valentines being sold at even your typical dollar store. My only hope is that these were bought between the hours of 3:00 and 4:00 a.m. this morning. It would crush me to think that a child willingly chose these over something like Spider-man or My Little Pony.

Iron Man

Yeah, the teacher-specific Valentine! And there was a sucker that I'll never eat in it. Score!

Hello Kitty

Tattoo!

Blake Griffin

If you haven't watched it yet, you owe it to yourself to watch the YouTube video I posted last year, "The Griffin and the Tearin'."

Hello Kitty 2

No part of Hello Kitty it not expressionless. There's a void there where a should should be. Tread lightly around her.

Tweaking Squirrel

Manic and unlicensed, two qualities I look for in a V-Day card.

Unidentified Monsters

Oh.

My.

God.

Pile of shitty purple hairiness hands rose bouquet to pink cat. I have no idea what is going on here, nor do I wish to find out because I will undoubtedly be let down. This rather large card is from the girl who is new to the class as of a few weeks ago. She's from Arizona and is super nice and relaxed, lacking all of the trauma that most kids in the school possess after living most of their lives in the shit-ass parts of Milwaukee. Maybe this card depicts something more popular in the American southwest?

Let's look at the opposite side to see if we can gather any more clues.

Nope, nothing clarified here. Now we've moved on to candy castles guarded by living cupcakes and doughnuts. I want this to be an actual thing, but I'm cautious, as the inevitable letdown when I find out these are nothing more than an artist's one-time-only Valentine's Day creation is too much for me to withstand. As the poster in Agent Mulder's office reads, "I want to believe," but dare I?

Happy Valentine's Day, one and all. Tomorrow I'm smoking ribs all day, as I am wont to do.

3 comments:

RAZ said...

My best guess is that the mystery Valentine comes from Moshi Monsters, by Mind Candy Ltd.

http://mindcandy.com/products/moshi-monsters

It looks like they have games, plushies, a magazine, videos, and all that stuff that you might tie-in to a candy line.

Brad Parsons said...

Yeah, that mystery Valentine is from the line Moshi Monsters.

Great post by the way. Made me chuckle.

Nachos Grande said...

Great stuff - I've never received a Valentine from my college students (which is probably a good thing)